| babymamababy |
I say things that sound important at my job all the time:
We've found the mutation that is causing your child's lung disease.
I'll need DNA from every living relative so we can see who else might be a carrier.
I'm sorry. We still don't know why your baby can't breathe on her own.
Those are all important-sounding things. And they are, in fact, important things to the family and to the medical team, and there is a lot of science involved and research and papers and that is the reason I can say those words, and that is the reason people care about them.
But sometimes at my job, without anyone's permission or direction, without any papers in hand or abbreviations or acronyms or any right except a self-imposed one, I say something that feels very, very important to me. It's this:
It's going to be okay. I was raised by a single mom, and I turned out just fine.
Because the thing about working in a NICU is that, in general, the babies I meet fall into a couple of different categories.
1) Genetic mutations/bad luck/fucked for life category: these kids are the 1/4 or 1/8 or 1/300 chance product of Boy Meets Girl but nobody knows about their recessive whatever. There are lots of teaching rounds and case studies on these kids, and they are followed for years and written about in journals because they are born without buttholes or complete brains or they have fused fingers or their guts are on the outside. These babies leave the nicu by feet or by wings, as they say, and I can guarantee you that the more crazy looking they are, the more I love them to bits, stroke their sweet dysmorphic faces and tell their parents that this baby is my boyfriend and we have been flirting ALL DAY and I dressed up for him. Even put on lipstick. And those parents hold hands with each other and laugh because no matter what you know to be true, it is fun to watch someone fawn over your children.
2) Often I meet the children of AS GOD AS MY WITNESS I WILL HAVE A CHILD FROM MY OWN BODY. By this I mean the mother has miscarried 5, 10, 14 times and had all sorts of extensive procedures to carry to term a fetus who would normally not work out in that body. And I love these mamas and these babies like I love all my patients, but it's hard because I think of the time and the money and the pain and the tears that everyone has invested in this tiny body, and I think a) my god, there is a child in a foster home somewhere who would walk on her lips to call you mama but you can't look past your own dna and b) that's an awful lot of responsibility you just put on your baby, you guys. But these babies, because they come from bodies that don't seem to want to carry them, have a more difficult course than their peers at times.
And then we have 3). Babies from 3) are the eensy little premature children of children. Babies having babies, little girls in big girl bodies who are in too far to back out now and they would sit here and attend lactation class but shit, school starts in a bit. And they come off initially as arrogant, cocky, disinterested, angry, and irresponsible. And the staff talks badly about them and shakes their heads and clucks their tongues and mutters under their breath about them. And I ignore that because the work I do is focused on baby lungs, and the lungs of a child born at 25 or 27 or 32 weeks are very interesting to me regardless of the mom's age. So I do my job and I don't say anything.
But then, when it's a still, quiet, sleepy part of the day, I sneak into the rooms of these babies who are holding their babies and crying over them, crying only then because nobody can see and then nobody can realize that-gasp- this child is SCARED. This child is scared just like all these other mommies are scared, but it's okay for THOSE mommies to be scared because THEY didn't DESERVE this.
And I know you think I'm making this up, but I'm not. At least once a day, I hear an angry, usually white, usually middle to upper class woman exclaim "How come MY baby is on a ventilator and that CRACK baby over there is PERFECTLY FINE?" And I don't judge those angry mamas either because they are just so, so, so sad that their hurt has just filled them up and spilled into an ugly, embarrassing, hot mess on the floor. And they can't put it back in or re-bottle it and they're embarrassed and ashamed but still SO SAD. I wouldn't want to be that sad.
But the thing that I think people forget here, and I know I'm rambling, but I think they forget that these little girls who are secretly, softly crying over their tiny premature babies are sad too. They're sad that they have been looking for love their entire lives and when they thought they found it, he left them but not before he took away their childhood and made them a mother, an adult, in one hot minute. And then they think- how wonderful. how special. how peaceful. I will FINALLY have someone who loves me, and only me, and loves me with all their heart. And I will change and my life will change and I will do whatever I need to because this is my BABY and i will PROTECT her because I love her and she's mine.
And they mean it.
But then the baby is born early, or sick, or ugly, or skinny, or he won't grow, or he won't eat, or he has seizures, and because his mama is a child- a child on her OWN, in fact- she can't handle this. She doesn't have the resources yet from which to draw. High school does not prepare you for parenthood. Not very much does, actually, but high school is particularly unhelpful.
And what's worse is that people talk to you differently than they talk to the other moms. They are just a touch condescending, just a smidge dismissive, they don't listen to you as long as they listen to the other moms. (there are doctors and nurses and therapists I work with who do treat these women like real moms and real people, and those caregivers cannot imagine how much I admire them for that.)
They treat you like an adult, which you're not, who has done something wrong, which you haven't. And that would make me cry too.
So when things settle down, I go into these rooms and I sit down next to the mom. I ask her name. I ask her baby's name. I ask how she picked it. I talk about how pretty, how funny, how handsome her baby is. How I've wanted that nose my whole life. How she'll never have to spend a dime on mascara with those lashes. How if my kids don't have hair like that someday, I'm buying them wigs.
I try to make them laugh, and relax a little bit. And then we start talking to each other. We talk about our families, school, what we like to do or read or eat. I talk about my mom and my brother. After a pause, she starts telling me about her mom and her dad and her boyfriend, who was older, who nobody liked but her. And how he promised her the stars and the moon and she gave her whole self to him. And how she won't say she's sorry because she has her baby now but she IS sorry. And sad. And scared. Because she is afraid she's going to do her baby an injustice.
And I say:
I was raised by a single mom, and I turned out just fine.
You can never love too much, and it's impossible to spoil a baby.
If you believe in her, she will believe in herself. I promise promise and I know this is true because my mom never had one drop of self-confidence but she thought I could lasso the moon if I wanted, and even though I'm almost thirty, I'm not convinced that I can't.
You are important and special and valuable because you are this child's whole world. You can do it and you will do it.
Taking care of yourself IS taking care of your child a lot of the time.
I was raised by a single mom, and I turned out just fine, I say.
"yeah." |
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| 79 Comments: |
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I work as an RN in a pediatric clinic in a rural area so we see a lot of young moms with kids that are going to have hard lives and it makes my blood boil when the staff talks about these moms and cluck their tongues because they're back with another case of scabies or another asthma attack caused by the boyfriend's smoking. I try to make sure that I use my extra special nice nurse voice and to spend extra time with them because lord knows they're not getting it from anyone else and I know they're just doing the best they can.
Thank you for the compassion that you show these other moms. You're likely the only little bit of compassion they're going to get for some time.
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This is so touching. You are such a good person.
(Long time reader delurking myself. Hi!)
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oh i love you! I totally know extra special nice nurse voice! I love hearing it and I love that you know how to use it.
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<3
This is why you're my favorite.
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This sent chills up my spine. Awesome writing. Thanks for sharing.
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This is beautiful, you should see about publishing it, and I kind of love you really a lot right now. :)
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Hi, delurking, to say: OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING. YOU are amazing. Wow. You are saving lives, lady. ROCK. ON!!!
And you're a fierce writer, but we already knew that. ;)
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You're damn good peoples, Megsy.
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As someone who knows what it's like to have a baby as a baby I just want to say thank you. It was almost 11 years ago that I had my son and I still remember the one nurse who was nice to me. Also- I'm sure those nurses and doctors thought they knew what kind of life my child and I would lead. They were wrong. Life has been kind, we are happy and healthy and well cared for.
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I waited a while before commenting because I didn't want to be all gushy with love. But I still am. You make the world a better place. You also make my mascara run, but I like it.
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Usually you make me laugh, and I love your posts for that, but today you made me cry. Thank you for this post!
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my baby brother is adopted, and sometimes i wonder about his real mama. all we know was that she was in high school, and that she so badly wanted to keep him, but he father wouldn't let her. and this made me cry because it made me think about that. good work.
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Wow! I am so happy to read of such compassion and graciousness in these ragey/stabby/angry times. You are awesome to care so much about all your moms and babies!
On a personal note, I am a single mom (had my son at 32, so not a child having a child) but people treat single parents differently. I remember mildly complaining to a 'friend' after a long series of sleepless nights with a colicky baby and was told quite rudely "But this is what you WANTED...suck it up!" In the 17 years I've been raising my son, I've encountered such pettiness and intolerance and lack of compassion from people just because I CHOSE to have a child on my own.
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Delurking to say you're so funny, such a good writer, and who knew you were so compassionate? You ARE good peoples, Megsy.
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Amy- welcome! thanks for reading.
lainey- everyone knows waffles are your favorite, don't fib, but i appreciate the sentiment
replica and IW- thank you.
maxie- aren't we in mutual blog love just ALL the time though?
jo- you are sweet. i am not saving any lives but I feel honored to be able to love on people when they really need to be loved on.
tk- we are both sticky good people too, i think.
amy- thank you for commenting. I am so glad to hear you are doing well and so proud of you and your son.
GWCH- are you a pretty crier? I am not. I am one busted weeper. but i feel perhaps you can pull off the lone tear trickle that I so covet.
guri-thank YOU.
ellabella- that's a really good point. As someone who is determined to adopt, I should have also said that birth mothers who allow their children to be adopted are absolute HEROES. There will be nothing more difficult than that for these women. Ever. It is the hardest, most selfless, bravest, strongest, most loving choice a woman can make sometimes, and I truly admire those people.
Brite- you are right, that's another point I neglected to mention. My mom was not a teenaged single mom either, but you're so correct- that doesn't make it easier. It's unfathomable to me that people have such contempt for parenting outside a cookie cutter model.
mo- you are sweet.
thanks everyone, for being so nice about this. I just had one of those days where I couldn't handle one more minute of it, you know?
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crying ugly all over the place. <3 u.
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simply brilliant and amazing, you are. so glad i found your blog. it always makes me emote, and i heart emoting. thank you thank you thank you for all that you are. inspiring.
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I've had 2 babies in the NICU and one with crazy genetic mutations (1 in a million we were told) and I love people like you.
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js- I'm an ugly crier too. I look more like I'm having an allergic reaction.
ruby- you are way too kind. someone i love very much has the same name as you, did you know that?
Shannon- I love nicu moms, so we're even.
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Hello.
I just started blogging...for the 5th time over and I was stumbling through some blogs wasting precious sleeping time and found you.
I know you don't know me, and I don't know you, but you made my week. I didn't have a bad week, per se, but the moment I sat down Friday night, I realized how 100% pooped I was. It's now Sunday and I still haven't recovered.
From reading your blog, you must know stress better than anyone, and I'd just like to say thank you. Your words drew me from lethargic state and brought a much needed laugh to my lips.
--Heidi
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meg- thanks for this. thanks thanks thanks.
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thank you for being you and doing what you do
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usually when i read your posts i am crying because i'm laughing so hard.
this one... just crying... it was beautiful. you have a real gift for writing. and for being there for others... and i'm so glad you're there for those babies and those mothers.
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I, too, was raised by a single mother and I turned out just fine.
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I love you for this! Normally I have to run from the office hiding that I'm about to scream with laughter, but today I'm having to keep my head inclined just so so my boss doesn't see me trying not to cry. I'm a single mum, have been since I was a teenager and the lack of respect, the lack of support and the continuous struggle/juggling act really wears you down. And I did change my entire life for my son and he's wonderful and we're so close and happy. He got into selective high school and I'm finishing my second degree and...well you just made me cry - that was both lovely in nature and beautifully written. Thank you.
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You are such a good person.
I like you a lot, fellow internet stranger.
- A girl in Toronto.
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I simultaneously love you for thinking this, doing this and writing this - as I hate you for making me weep at my office keyboard. Much love to you and all the babies & mums.
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thanks for writing that. like the previous commenter, trying not to cry at my desk!
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Came from here: http://www.metafilter.com/89075/I-was-raised-by-a-single-mom-and-I-turned-out-just-fine
Wonderful post. Just wonderful.
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Wonderful. Thanks for radiating compassion.
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As the once single mom of a heroin addict, now a fully recovered college student on her way to the rest of her life, I thank you for this loving, honest post. Being single and a mommy is never easy and being a child of a single parent hurts more than anyone can imagine. In our situation, it was love, faith and a belief in ourselves that helped us both overcome the horrors of drug addiction. Keep giving the talks, the advice and the confidence out to the young mommies Dr. they will draw on your wisdom one day.
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I don't think parents can ever express to the NICU nurses just how much of a lifeline they are. How much you hold onto that lifeline when they are telling you what is wrong with your baby. Or how much they make you smile by telling you stories about how your baby opened his eyes, gurgled sweet nothings, and won the nurse's heart.
Thank you. Thank you for all that you do and for caring about the childen of the NICU. You are an angel. I love this blog.
~ from a parent with babies in the NICU now
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I am so glad there are people like you in NICUs and that I met one of them when I was there with my preemie. I wasn't a single mom or a young mom, but I was feeling the fear, and it was people like you who took me out of the terror zone and reminded me that, hey, I had a baby and that baby was awesome. (Still is, too, and it's coming up on her first bday, when we'll drop off a donation of tiny little gowns for all the other preemies coming into the world.)
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Lovely, beautiful, frank and compassionate ... first time to read your blog, and I'm an instant fan. My daughter got her nursing degree as a single mom and dealt with so many challenges. It was very very hard for her and I helped when I could. She graduated last year, (summa cum-laude!)and became an amazing nurse with this same compassion. Your writing makes me laugh and cry in the same breath. Bless you for who you are and all you do.
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For a minute there I felt really good about the human race, primarily because you are a part of it. Then some jackass called me on the phone and reminded me that most folks are morons and people like you are one in a million. Keep up the good work.
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Vonnegut, M.D.
I mean that in a good way :-)
Thanks.
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I will FINALLY have someone who loves me, and only me, and loves me with all their heart. And I will change and my life will change and I will do whatever I need to because this is my BABY and i will PROTECT her because I love her and she's mine.
And they mean it.
WOW that hit home, as a single mom myself I have to tell you that my son was my savior. 20 and out of control on drugs and alchol from a home of abuse of every kind you can imagine I was looking for an escape. What happened instead was the best thing God could have ever done for me, my Son. I struggled and went to lots of therapy so I wouldn't be like my abusers. Some days the only way I could go on was to look in his big brown eyes and he have me the courage I lacked. I left him to go to war, to tell him it was safe he at home to be an american. I carried a small hand print traced on paper in my pocket over my heart, all thru Desert Shield and Desert Storm. When I came back he didn't know who I was. It hurt like hell. Each day he kept me going, he kept me sober, and off drugs. Each day I got up and put one foot in front of the other for him. Thank you Lance corpral Christopher Baier I am so proud that you are my son... and soon to be a Father as well. All my love to my baby boy... Mama Bear
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thank you thank you thank you
thanks - that is just really awesome.
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I was raised by a single mom, too. This made me misty-eyed in Quant. Dr. Hennessey is looking at me funny.
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I'm de-lurking as well - that was completely wonderful, and your compassion toward these girls is one of the nicest things you can give.
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I read this at work in between calls. I learned it is hard to sound like you are not tearing up.
You are a young doctor. Please refer to this post when you find yourself getting crotchity.
This was wonderful.
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My oldest was born with a heart defect and flown in a helicopter to Children's Mercy Hospital in KCMO. I will never, ever forget those nurses and doctors who were there and saved my babies life. They were so kind to me while I was going through so much. You guys are like angels in the NICU. God bless you.
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Thank you for writing this. I'm not a nurse, but I am a foster mother, and on a social level I think our jobs have a lot of similarities. Sometimes it's hard to not get angry and feel condescending toward the mothers who caused or allow harm to come to their children, especially when there is nobody in the world who would blame me for feeling/acting that way. It's good to get a reminder that they are women who have been hurt and dismissed and what they and their children need from me is a friend and some encouragement. It's hard for me to remember that sometimes, thanks again for the reminder.
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You have lots of compassion for young women in a difficult situation, which is great. But why the lack of compassion with adults who have been through miscarriages and/or infertility? Ouch. They didn't do anything to deserve the pain and suffering either, yet you think they should just get over it. Adoption is an amazing option, but I don't think it should ever be seen as a "B" answer -- if someone doesn't have it in their heart to adopt then why would you encourage them to? You say it's wrong for people to try hard to carry a baby when their body keeps miscarrying and that it's a lot of pressure on a child -- as opposed to the pressure on a child to be the only person who loves a single mom and is going to change their lives and save them?
I'm not saying either is right or wrong, just remember that when you're offended about nurses and doctors clucking about young/single/etc moms, that clucking about old/infertile/etc moms isn't any better.
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If only more people had this kind of attitude in this world. You are an amazing person and great inspiration.
Thank you!
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You made me cry on my lunch break. Thank you for such a beautiful article. I could never have the strength to do what you do.
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I was one of those young women. Thank you.
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To Anonymous at 10:15 AM, who said that the poster shows a "lack of compassion with adults who have been through miscarriages and/or infertility":
Nowhere does she say that it's wrong for people to try hard to carry a baby after multiple miscarriages. Nowhere does she say that they "should just get over it." She says, verbatim:
"And I love these mamas and these babies like I love all my patients..."
Nowhere does she say that she encourages these women/parties to adopt. She says, verbatim:
"my god, there is a child in a foster home somewhere who would walk on her lips to call you mama but you can't look past your own dna..."
What she DOES say is that these babies have a "more difficult course than their peers at times" simply because they "come from bodies that don't seem to want to carry them." This is an observation based on her work and experience, not a judgment.
Next time, read a little more closely before inserting your own personal biases and antagonizing a post that is deeply compassionate towards ALL parties involved -- even the women in the category you described.
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Meg, Meg, Meg ... you are awesomeness personified. I love the concept of compassion but the tangle of insecurities at my feet trip me up constantly. Your post made my grinchy little heart grow a step larger. Thanks for being you!
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Mental Floss sent me here to read this post, which I loved, and then I got lost in your archives for several hours. I'll be back, lurking away, laughing my ass off most of the time and now and then getting a look at a world completely outside my own.
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Hello. That was beautiful. My mum was a nurse and raised my brother and I pretty much by herself, through a lot of moves and hard nights and personal loneliness. My wife gave birth to her first child 12 years ago when she was 18, seemingly always at war with a wealthy but dysfunctional family, and saddled with a loser douchebag chickenhawk of an ex who continues to mooch off her family to this day.
It makes me happy to know there are people like you in this world.
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Meg! You made MentalFloss.com! It's one of my favorite timekillers, and I saw the URL and was all "Hey I know that link!"
Congrats and thank you for a great post.
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If I had worked with more nurses like you, maybe I wouldn't have left NICU for L&D. ;)
My coworkers marvel at the compassion I extend to drug moms, teen moms, homeless moms, and the like. I tell them all the same thing: it's my job to be a nurse and to care for them, not to judge them.
Teen moms get the crap kicked out of them by life; they don't need to have the crap kicked out of them by the medical establishment too. Thanks for being another kind soul to these mamas who really have all the potential in the world to be great, if only someone believes in them and shows them the way.
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I have friends who had a baby at 12... at 16... at 18...
And the attitude of the mother towards it makes all of the difference in the world. Their age has nothing to do with it. My friend who had her first at 12 never missed school, did NOT give up her daughter, graduated High School fine, went on to get further education and now has two more children... all beautiful and well behaved.
My friend who had her first at 18 has 3 by 3 different fathers but is one of the most caring and devoted mothers I have ever met and is finally with a man who cares about her kids (her youngest is his.) and they have great jobs and take awesome care of the kids.
The 16 year old gave up her child and has since had 2 more that she does not take care of even though she is nearly 30. Yet she thinks she is the mother of the year.
Myself... I had my first at 20 (got pregnant at 19) and everyone looked at me like a child... like I should not be in that situation... though I was married to the babies father.
I wish more people were like you and understood that age and circumstance have nothing to do with how you are as a mother.
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I was raised by a single (and young) mom and she wasn't always the best mom, but she tried, you know? She did her best and we both turned out pretty okay. I love her more than anything and I'm proud of her. This post made me cry.
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New blog follower based on this blog, So honest, so empathetic, and so awesome. Thank you for being the person that these moms and babies need to right their brains into working better for themselves and their children.
Sent by Morch:)
Danielle,, who rambles too!
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I also came from Mental Floss. Reading your post (and all the comments) definitely made me cry (and forget about dinner on the stove... whoops).
I had my son at 19. He was born prematurely and we spent 13 days in the hospital. These were the worst 13 days of my life, as not only was I a single mother with a sick child, but the nurses were mean to me. Just plain mean, condescending, negative.
Your post has really touched me, especially during a time where I'm stretched to the limit, working, a full class load in college and caring for my son. Thank you for the reminder that not everyone I come in contact with is judgmental of me as a mother.
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I was crying by the time I finished this, and I had to take a break before I could post. My mom was an L&D nurse. I remember when she came home one day when I was in high school, absolutely livid at a woman who brought her teenage daughter (who was in labor) and the daughter's teenage girl friend to the hospital, dropped them both off at the front door, and left. This woman left her baby to have a baby all by herself, with only the friend for company & support. My mom, being the person who she was, became a 'surrogate mom' for these girls. All because the 'real' mom had so little compassion for her own daughter.
My mom was a wonderful person who loved babies and loved nursing. I wish she was still around, so I could show her your post and she could share it with her colleagues and those 'moms' like the woman who left her scared daughter alone for one of the most life-changing experiences of her life.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but I felt like I needed to share.
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Honesty is tied with love for the best gift one person can give to another. Both of yours shine through. I wish with all my heart that there were more like you. The world would be a much better place. Thank you for sharing your stories, I needed a good eye-wetting.
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Thank you thank you for this. My mother raised my sister and me on her own, and I think I turned out okay too :-) She is a nurse just like you. I'm now 30 and married, and expecting my first child. I'm kind of scared too, about so many things, so I can't imagine what a teen would be facing. I hope I'm half the mom my mother was :-)
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I've been following you for years (scary) and loved all your work: this is by far my favourite. Thought provoking and slightly shaming that I too have fallen in to that judgemental category... This will stay with me for a long time.
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Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous post.
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I just started blogging a few months ago and am inspired by your blog. The fact that you even have the time to do it amazes me!
I enjoyed reading your work and I to, was raised by a single mom:-)
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Thank you for saying this. In fact, thank you for taking care of young mothers like a society is SUPPOSED to do, so that they will learn how to be good mothers. You have probably saved lives with that little speech as much as with your handling of unhealthy baby lungs.
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'They Say' if you light just one little candle you can make a difference in your corner of the world. Gal, you light up the entire sky for these folks and touch their lives for days and months and years to come.
Thank you.
seticat [a retired respiratory therapist and RN]
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You've got a good heart, doc. Keep it and embrace its vulnerabilities - you'll work miracles in peoples' lives.
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Usually I come here for fun because you crack me up without a doubt. This post was beautifully written and I'm glad that you were there for these moms.
yeah my eyes might have broken out a lil sweat reading this post but then i just go back to your boob drawing =)
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I'm all weepy and misty reading this post. You are SUCH a beautiful person, both inside and out. If you were a fudgesicle I'd eat you all up. Wait, that didn't sound creepy, right?
-ForeverAnon
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Thank you. As a midwife in a clinic filled with child-women, thank you. Please come to work in my NICU.
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Absolutely lovely.
You are amazing.
Kate x
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I have to admit: I've been lurking on your blog for a while! Most of the time you crack me up with your crazy antics, but this post made me cry. Those little moments may be some of the most important moments in someone else's life ever.
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Loved your post. It made me cry.
My heart aches for social justice in the world and this is how we little people make it happen. Thanks for being the change that you want to see in the world.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
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I work as an RN in a pediatric clinic in a rural area so we see a lot of young moms with kids that are going to have hard lives and it makes my blood boil when the staff talks about these moms and cluck their tongues because they're back with another case of scabies or another asthma attack caused by the boyfriend's smoking. I try to make sure that I use my extra special nice nurse voice and to spend extra time with them because lord knows they're not getting it from anyone else and I know they're just doing the best they can.
Thank you for the compassion that you show these other moms. You're likely the only little bit of compassion they're going to get for some time.