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So for various reasons, I didn't get a ton of sleep last night. I'm a terrible sleeper under normal circumstances but I just couldn't unwind after an exam, plus we're cat sitting for one of our friends and this cat likes to talk a lot in the wee hours. Anyway, the bottom line is that I slept from eleven pm till two thirty am, tried to force it until about three forty five, and then just called it at four. I got up, made some coffee, turned on my computer, and did some work.
I finally left the house at seven am- I figured that was a socially acceptable time to go to work. At this point, I had been up for hours and had been caffeinating myself steadily. By that I mean my heart was beating with the frequency of a mouse's and I was a LITTLE BIT ON EDGE. So when a squirrel gamboled across the sidewalk in front of me as I walked to my car, I jumped. And I may have overreacted just a titch.
By that I mean I straight up yelled at a squirrel. Like a hobo. Like the woman who lived at the end of the block near my first apartment in New York who would scream at trees. That is who I have become.
And what, praytell, did I scream? I'm glad you asked.
I called the squirrel a shitty little jerk. "YOU SHITTY LITTLE JERK!" I shrieked.
Shitty.
Little.
Jerk.
I YELLED that. At a damned woodland creature.
The worst part is that my neighbor was getting into his truck and heard me, and did that sort of slow, steady, half turn you do when you're a little afraid of what you'll see behind you? That's what he did.
I was worried that he thought I called HIM a shitty little jerk, so I babbled "HI oh, not you, there's this, ha ha, like, a total SQUIRREL here, right? and he jumped and I was like WOAH and got scared, so it was the squirrel, not you. I'd never call you that."
Poor man just said "oo-kay!" and hopped in his truck, undoubtedly locking the doors behind him. |
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| 13 Comments: |
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my college campus is filled with totally insane, totally unafraid of the human race squirrels. they are assholes. legit. they're always scampering around like it ain't no thang, flaunting their fluffy tails when it's cold out and startling me so i almost spill coffee on myself. they think it's funny, you can tell. the other night when i was walking to my boyfriend's, one JUMPED OUT OF A TREE at me! at eleven pm! in the dark! are squirrels even supposed to be UP that late?
in conclusion...squirrels ARE shitty little jerks. that squirrel totally got what was coming to him.
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You know that Geico commercial where the squirrel purposely runs in front of the car to make it crash? I bet your shitty little jerk is one of those 2 in that commercial. Be careful.....
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Did you ever stop to think that maybe YOU are the shitty little jerk? That maybe you scared the living bejeesus out of my poor sister with your halfwitted, overcaffeinated, early morning romp through her gamboling path?
~ The squirrel's older, protective brother aka Piney
PS I hope this guilts you into sleeping better.
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Just wanted to say thanks. I'm sick. And running on too little sleep. And at work. Where I have to be perky. And this whole shenanigan made me laugh. And now, all the people here think I nuts. If they didn't already. So thanks.
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Oh that's just amazing. That reminds me of the time I screamed "YOU ASSHOLE" at the scanner at work when it jammed just as our CEO was walking by, and I was all HA HA HA NOT YOU THE SCANNER JAMMED HAHAHA and he just walked away.
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I may have said it before, but it bears repeating: I hope someday we get to meet and hang out because I want to have awesome, crazytastic adventures with you. :D Also, squirrels are The Devil's Minions. (Now with nuts!) ;)
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oh my god, that cracked me up!! thanks--i totally needed it today. :) keep up the good work :D
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That shitty little jerk probably has his own blog and right now is writing about this RIDICULOUS HUMAN who yelled at him for EXISTING. And all his squirrel friends are laughing hysterically. I bet.
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I wish I could meet you in person. :)
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i hate those shitty little jerks. they scare me more than shitty big jerks like stray dobermans.
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So whatever happened with your underwear-clad dance role? Are we allowed to request posts?
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Squirrels are just rats with nicer clothes...it's OK to yell at them.
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When I was in nursing school a squirrel ran up my friend's leg and stole her granola bar. It was insane.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
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my college campus is filled with totally insane, totally unafraid of the human race squirrels. they are assholes. legit. they're always scampering around like it ain't no thang, flaunting their fluffy tails when it's cold out and startling me so i almost spill coffee on myself. they think it's funny, you can tell. the other night when i was walking to my boyfriend's, one JUMPED OUT OF A TREE at me! at eleven pm! in the dark! are squirrels even supposed to be UP that late?
in conclusion...squirrels ARE shitty little jerks. that squirrel totally got what was coming to him.