| Really? Really. |
two humbling things
1) Last week, I walked into one of the libraries on my floor and found a guy looking through some charts. I think he works in respiratory, but I don't know. He's very nice- we always make friendly chit chat as we go about our respective mornings. So I didn't think anything of it when I walked in and he turned to me with a smile. Until
Guy: I knew it was you. I can always hear you coming.
Me: Hey, how's it going? Yeah, I know. Not many people in the hospital wear heels. I think I'm one of only two people on this floor who does.
Guy: It's not just the heels. You have a really distinct walk.
Me: I do? Oh. Really?
Guy: Yeah. I can always hear you coming, even from a mile away.
Me: Ah, yeah. I'm a loud walker. My mom always told me I walked like an elephant.
Guy: Yeah! That's what it is. An elephant. It's funny because you're so tiny.
Me: I... I don't really want to be an elephant. I wish I walked like something more feminine and pretty- like, a cat. Or a damn orchid or something.
Awkward pause.
Guy: Have you ever hunted for wild turkey?
Me: Can't say that I have.
Guy: So that's kind of what you're like, no disrespect.
Me: None taken.
Guy: Yeah. So. No disrespect, but when you're out in the woods, hunting for wild turkey, you will be just sitting there in the quiet with your friends and your beers and then you'll hear all this crashing and banging and loud noises.
Me: I will?
Guy: And you'll turn around, expecting to see an elephant or bears or something coming charging at you. But you know what it will be?
Me: Orchids?
Guy: Just two little wild turkeys! They're so damn loud. But that's like what you are. You're like a wild turkey. Little but full of noise. When you walk.
Me: I'm sorry. I feel badly about it now.
Guy: No! Don't! I...I kind of like it.
Pause.
Me: you like it?
Guy: Yeah. I like it when I can hear your heels walking down the hall, getting closer. It's a very powerful sound. I like how powerful it sounds. Anyway, I like it. It's powerful.
Me, internally: I NEED AN ADULT!
Me, externally: Ha ha! Okay! How funny! I need to go.
2) This one is kind of embarrassing, but whatever. When has that stopped me, right? So I was reclining in my bed the other night, working on a paper. At some point (probably far too early) I decided to call it- I was basically writing gibberish and I was a few hundred words short at that- so I hoisted myself upright, all graceful like. It felt like I probably LOOKED like if you played backwards that video of free willy, shooting up out of the water, over that little boys hand and into Michael Jackson's backyard. The difference is I was far less successful.
I bobbed up momentarily, but it didn't pan out and I fell back down on my bed. Embarrassing enough. But to make matters worse, my laptop, which had been balanced on my hips before, came flying back towards my face, where its fall was broken by my mouth.
My lip blew up immediately, as I am a delicate flower. I now have a fat lip from my LAPTOP. I got beaten up by a computer! Quick, find me a pocket protector!
I put some ice on it that night, and the swelling went down somewhat, but not enough to prevent people from asking me all the next day "What happened to your mouth?" and frankly, the truth is just plain unbelievable and all lies make it seem like you're trying to cover up a brush with domestic violence (I WALKED IN TO A DOOR). I ended up saying something about bumping it, or an allergic reaction, or "it's just the lighting in here," but I'm not sure how efficacious any of those lines actually were.
My only hope at this point is to pray for a busy week and to wait until Friday. Sigh.Labels: accidents, inappropriateness, on the job |
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| 15 Comments: |
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i'm pretty small (4'11 and 3/4, between 97 and 110 lbs depending on how much salt/alcohol i've consumed...if you're curious) and i ALWAYS wear heels and i'm told by people that they can tell it's me coming. i've always wondered if they were just calling me fat. now i think they are just calling me fowl.
awesome.
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I think Dr. Turkey Hunter was flirting with you--or at least trying to. All he knows is the wild turkey and beer, so he tried to bring that into a flirty situation and he insulted the delicate orchid in pumps that you are.
And as I laugh hysterically at your swollen lip, I am just glad that my recent disaster could be hidden. Otherwise, someone would have probably called the cops about the two large burn marks on my bosoms.
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I love how, in the first story, you weren't the one rambling incoherently!
Complete role reversal. Like Freaky Friday or some shit.
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I LOVE the turkey hunter. He loves you, too. That story was too cute.
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That guy has a total crush on you. If not for the other man in your life, I'd say that you should hit that and hit it hard. He clearly has a thing for turkeys though, which is confusing.
Also, I gave myself a black eye once with my own remote control. I was about 16. It was on a blanket on my couch, and I VERY EXCITEDLY lifted up the blanket to get under it. When I did that, the remote flew up and hit me square in the eye. Explain THAT to the school nurse.
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Don't take it personally - I totally get that "loud walker" thing all the time. I mean, sure, I'm like a foot taller and 100 lbs heavier, but still.
I'm saying I feel you pain, you know?
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Thanks for sharing--your embarrassing stories make me feel like less of a putz myself.
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I am an elephant walker too. I shake a house like the El Train. It annoys the crap out of everyone near me.
And I love saying "I need an adult" every time that I do.
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I'm 5'0" and a heavy-walker, too. I think it's because I lock my knees when my feet hit, which makes my heels strike the ground hard. Yes, I have analyzed this because my fambly members used to mock me for being so small, but so very very loud. Apparently other people have some bend in the knee or some such. I'm glad to know a fellow wild turkey. And yeah, totally thinks about you with excitement, especially when he hears you bounding over.
I hear that bee-stung lips are in.
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Oh my gosh! I had no idea that there were so many heavy-footed midgets in the world. I knew I had this blog for a purpose, and it is to unite all the confusingly loud people in the world. Divine.
You guys, I totally don't think he has a crush on me. Sorry if I made it seem like that. I think he is just a weirdo who hopes that one day all the women come to work wearing corsets and stilettos and make him lie down so they can walk on his back. I mean, he's a LOVELY weirdo, but a weirdo all the same. He's married and has kids and everything, so i don't think he wants to bump uglies or anything.
Ruby- you and I. turkey lurkey 4 eva.
Girl- I still can't believe you burned your own boobies.
Pdw- it was only a matter of time.
Emily- come over! i'll introduce you
IW- you made me laugh out loud
TK- thank you for pretending to try to sympathize
dawg- I can really reel 'em in.
MJ- Not every lady gets to be called a turkey. Some of us are just lucky, I guess.
Lora- I know, I love that phrase too. Because sometimes I really do!
dgm- I haven't analyzed my walking issues yet. Hm. I'll let you know if it is knee related or if I'm just destined to be awkward or there is more gravity around me than there is everyone else or whatever
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I broke my finger once skipping rope... Somehow I kicked my hand. Explaining that was just way too difficult :)
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I love it! And I also thought he liked you - I was sure of it. If a boy can try to seduce me by calling me a moose, one could try to flirt with you by calling you a wild turkey. Strangely enough, I had just been thinking about the moose incident (and the fact that I never update), and started writing it down when I read this - and just yesterday I was noting an embarrassing lip condition that I inflicted upon myself!
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Meh, being feline in your movements aint no guarantee of stealth. I have amazingly creaky joints. My ankles and knees pop when I walk. So I've gotten the "I can always hear you coming!" comment despite my supposed grace. I hang my head and shame and answer "Yes, this is why I am not a secret agent." :(
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Meg, your blog provides me with laughter, tears, and the knowledge that other are blessed with my grace.
I broke my knee last week by falling off a chair (chipped my patella). What I fail to mention to people that ask is that I was standing on a chair in a towel, late for work, madly waving a magazine under my smoke detector after burning something on my stove. My towel came off as I fell and so not only did I end up ass over kneecap, as it were, but I ended up doing so naked.
Of course, when people ask if I was drunk at the bar I choose the sheepish nod. Because sober and naked is worse.
Anyhow, thanks for the turkey story. I had a lovely courier provide me with a picture of him and some slaughtered deer after a discussion about the great outdoors. It was slightly disturbing....and I do believe he was hitting on me.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
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i'm pretty small (4'11 and 3/4, between 97 and 110 lbs depending on how much salt/alcohol i've consumed...if you're curious) and i ALWAYS wear heels and i'm told by people that they can tell it's me coming. i've always wondered if they were just calling me fat. now i think they are just calling me fowl.
awesome.