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I just got home from the grocery store where I ventured to acquire the ingredients needed to make this for my friend JoeJoe's birthday party tomorrow night. Now, before you think "Wow, that Meg sure is a good, sweet, nice, pretty, open-minded, generous, leggy soul," I feel compelled to confess that his birthday was two full weeks ago. Did I make him a cake in a timely manner? No. Did I even get him a card? Don't be silly. That was the beginning of midterms and we were just all angry to be alive. I certainly wasn't going to PRAISE joejoe for being born.
As I'm now on SPRANG BREAK (wooooo, girls gone wild! I might wear a real slutty turtleneck to the NICU one day! woooooo!) and not stuck in class every night, I had the time to finally make him a cake. All I needed was every single ingredient on that list. No problem!
I picked up a few extra things not on my list because I have no willpower -- hair ties, some makeup, post-its-- and headed home. My mom was in the kitchen when I walked in, and she kindly picked up my bags and started helping me unpack the groceries. She also enjoys doing this because then she can ask questions/talk about every purchase I've made.
Mom: That's a big bottle of beer.
Me: It's for the cake. I wish they sold Guinness in one-cup servings, but alas.
Mom: You had to buy so much of it?
Me: Well, yeah.
Mom: That's an AWFULLY big bottle of beer.
Or perhaps
Mom: Why did you buy this kind of butter?
Me: It was on sale.
Mom: But we HAVE butter.
Me: I know, but I needed unsalted.
Mom: Well, what am I supposed to do with all that other butter?
Me: Give it to the homeless?
Mom: That's not funny. They don't have toasters.
You get the idea.
I had gone into the other room to put some stuff away when I heard my mom say "Here's your...um. Here are your things."
She was squinting at two brightly colored packages in her hand. I looked down and saw 1) my new concealer and 2) a variety box of condoms labelled "Pleasure Pack" and neonly boasting the three varieties of condom located therein.
There wasn't much I could do other than accept my sin packages and retreat to another room of the house. And, of course, share my shame with whomever happened to be online. Turns out it was this guy.
7:14 PM me: so i just got home from the grocery store and my mom was helping me unpack and pulled out the brightly colored variety pack of condoms i'd bought 7:18 PM um please be there 7:19 PM so that this message isn't hovering in cyberspace or on your work computer or something 7:25 PM Mike: oh, hello quick! tell her you are a lesbian and you bought those for a friend 7:27 PM me: will do no reaction Mike: sorry. i tried 7:28 PM tell her that even though you use condoms, you are still a virgin, as far as the pope is concerned then say, "so in other words, these are for my butt" oh, please be there 7:29 PM so this message isn't hovering on your computer while your mom decided to check something on oprah.com me: hahahah i'm here she was squinting at the package 7:30 PM which she pulled out along with new makeup and all i could do was laugh titter, really and go "I NEEDED CONCEALER FOR MY UNDEREYE CIRCLES"
The only good bit of news is that the cake is super pretty.
Sigh. I am going to sleep to avoid the shame.Labels: accidents, family, on the homefront |
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| 8 Comments: |
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When I was living with the 'rents I would have DIED if my mom found that sort of thing, but now that I'm married and supposed to be having lots of sex so that one of our condoms will break and accidentally provide her with a grandchild she's all kinds of comfortable with me having sex. Like she was talking about going to 'the megaplex' with me sometime. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about. My mom wants to go with me to a sex shop. Maybe that's why I moved to Korea?
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Your mom's toaster comment was HILARIOUS.
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Dude, my boyfriend's parents talk about their older son having sex at a very young age and how they walked in on him and how sexually active he was blah blah blah like it's nothing. While his wife is there. I'm just like, oh, uh huh. And then the wife will chime in on how one morning the mom walked in on them just naked in bed, not doing anything, but she was bare up top and they pretended like nothing was going on. I was mortified when I walked in on his mom in the tub (door unlocked, it was 7 am, the lights were off and no noise came from the bathroom) and I didn't even SEE anything. I don't know. Parents are weird.
Anyways, my mom found some "strange things" in my bedroom when I was like 15 - and I was just like, "I have no idea what that is or how to use it, but someone was giving them out by the movie theater." Which was 100% TRUE, and my mom was just like, stop taking things just because they're free! and she was right... and I should probably take my name off this comment... but yeah, she believed me because I guess it was that obvious that I was a huge nerd.
(It was a STOP AIDS or something pack - a sandwich bag with condoms, lube, a pamphlet on not getting diseases, and - the item that I didn't comprehend and my mom was most concerned over because she didn't know what it was either - a DENTAL DAM. It took me a few years to find out what that was, so the mortification was further intensified when I did find out.)
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that is the best cake ever. i've had to start making it at random times to avoid being The Girlfriend Who Makes The Same Cake For Every Occasion. instead, i'll make some other treat for "real" occasions like valentine's day or our anniversary, and show up with the stout cake on a random poker night.
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The next time you talk to Toole, tell him to start blogging again!
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escape sleeping is the best. it solves everything. i can't tell you how many times my thought process has been this:
"i'm so embarrassed. time for a nap!"
also, what's up with moms and snooping? when i was in california for christmas, i set my purse and a grocery bag down on the hotel bed, and my mom immediately started going through them.
"what are you doing there, mom?"
"oh, just looking."
"well, could you not?"
"huh? oh yeah, right," she mumbled, as she kept going through my things.
sigh. oh well.
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Not to detract from the main part of your story, which--as always--is hilarious, but your mom's toaster comment made me go a little wee in my britches.
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butter the pan, line with parchment, and then butter the parchment + use three pans = fussy. Must it be that fussy and is it worth it?
"I found a thing!"
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
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When I was living with the 'rents I would have DIED if my mom found that sort of thing, but now that I'm married and supposed to be having lots of sex so that one of our condoms will break and accidentally provide her with a grandchild she's all kinds of comfortable with me having sex. Like she was talking about going to 'the megaplex' with me sometime. Oh yeah, you know what I'm talking about. My mom wants to go with me to a sex shop. Maybe that's why I moved to Korea?