Hobocamp

Thursday, March 26, 2009

So I woke up pretty early this morning (just before five) in order to meet my friends for a run. Normally we meet just before seven, but one girl had an early meeting at work and asked us if we could commit to this terrible pre-dawn hour. We said okay, because its more fun running all together and we didn't want her to have to miss her run and feel all left out and also I'm a huge pushover who has yet to learn the word "no." Anyway.

So I'm getting ready and putting on supportive clothing and layers of spandex and things, and I get a text from the Meeting Girl saying that she's bailing. Harsh, right? When I already have a sports bra on? That's what I thought too. I texted our other friend to say "Lame-O is a total lame pants, and is backing out because she is way lame. We can run a bit later in the day if you want." And so she went back to sleep, we're meeting at seven, and I have nothing to do in the meantime.

I mean, sure. I could study. But I just tried and it was not really that fun. So I stopped. Instead I'm reading blogs and sitting under blankets and drinking coffee. I wish I was the type of girl who could go back to sleep, grab another good hour and a half, and then wake up, ready to roll. But I'm such a terrible sleeper. So bad. It takes me forever to fall asleep and then I cannot stay asleep to save my life, unless I'm super sick. And just being in my bed in the dark trying to will myself unconscious is very frustrating. I just end up upset.

I often wonder how smart I would be if I slept more than four or five hours a night. Might be enough to chin up myself to dead average, you never know.

So, because sleeping is for the birds, and who doesn't love birds (me) I decided to take some time to tell you guys a tale or two.

At Dr Poop's house, he has a big sliding glass door in his bedroom. I don't go near it because I bet I can break it hulksmashfast. But nearly every morning, he gets a terrible little visitor in the form of a masochistic cardinal that I have named Randy. Randy is a big fan of flying into the window repeatedly. Like, so repeatedly that I am truly surprised he is not dead of massive brain injury. I think someone McGyvered a wee helmet for him and he's just moving too fast for me to see it.

In any case, Randy wakes you up in the morning, and then sends perky little reminders of his presence every three minutes or so until about mid-day. Dr Poop HATES Randy. Hates. He's tried all sorts of things to dissuade Randy from flying into the window, from putting tape across the panes to blocking the window with ladders (classy) to just casually wishing for Randy's death. Randy is pretty obnoxious, and I think Dr Poop's vitriol for the bird stems from his (the bird's) penchant for ruining Dr Poop's post-30 hour shift-sleep.

I don't adore Randy either. But at least he is useful to me. You see, the sliding glass door has two panes, which Randy headbutts indiscriminately. So I like to use Randy as my Magic 8 ball. I assign one window to DP, and one to me, and then I'll say "Randy, if DP should get up and make the coffee, fly into my window." AND RANDY WILL DO IT. I swear to god. He has yet to let me down, and DP and I have even switched window ownership a couple of times just in case Randy has pane preference that is skewing the results.

We also use Randy to settle arguments. Like "Randy, if the definition of a fortnight is 2 days because, and i quote, 'that's how long you stay in a fort,' fly into DP's window. If he's wicked wrong, fly into mine." I'll let you guess how that turned out.

So Randy, though annoying, brought some positivity into my life.

Not so with his long lost cousin, Erma.

I detest Erma.

Erma is a dove (I think?) who sits on the air conditioner outside my room and goes like this:

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

she screams it. no joke. She probably has vocal nodes by now.

She also walks around and scratches on the air conditioner. So the whole cacophony is like this:

COOOOOOOOOOOOOWAKEUPBITCHCOOOOOOOOOOO skritchskritchskritch(poop)skritch COOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Repeat. Endlessly.

She comes at dawn. I don't know why. She doesn't know the answers to any questions, she doesn't tell anyone to make the coffee, and what's worse is that she scratches at the window AC unit like the killer in that scary story that Francie Nickelmeyer told you in Brownies about the guy who has a hook and perched on the roof of the car that broke down, that had that couple in it, and the girl heard scratchscratch all night long and the guy told her she was just being silly, but in reality that guy was scratchscratching THROUGH THE ROOF OF THEIR CAR WITH HIS HOOK HAND and EVERYONE ALMOST DIED and I just fucking KNOW that Erma will scratch through the damn wall and I'll wake up one day and she will be perched on my face and will look at me mournfully for one second before pecking my eyes out.

That's what's going to happen.

So I prefer Randy.

I have to go because the sun is coming up, I have to go run, and I need to leave my room before Erma goes on duty. She probably knows we've been talking about her.

She's going to be TOTALLY pissed.

Labels: help my brain is weird, on the homefront

posted by A Lover and a Fighter at 6:17 AM -

12 Comments:

At 8:50 AM, Lainey said…

"'that's how long you stay in a fort"

Haaaa!

I have an Erma, too. My cat HAAAAAAATTTES her and she yells at the bird in this very weird cat yelling voice. Her name's not Erma though. She's just known as "that fucking bird again". I may name her now. And try to use her for fortune telling. You've inspired me!
At 11:55 AM, Megan said…

Mirrors are the ticket. Birds aren't self-aware, so if they see a mirror, they think they are seeing another bird, and typically they won't "invade the territory." My dad kept having birds making a nest in the eaves of his porch and then pooping everywhere, so he put up little mirrors. No more birds.
At 12:27 PM, dgm said…

We used to have two great horned owls come around when the weather turns cold, and they'd be sending their mating calls back and forth at the wee hours of the morning. It was cute and cool and makes me kind of like birds, but it was also annoying if I was trying to sleep. Recently the male's been calling out(somewhat desperately, if you ask me) but not getting a response. I'm all "DUDE, she's just not that into you! Shut our cakehole, we're trying to sleep over here!"
At 12:35 PM, manu said…

consider leaving the window open next time. randy will be all like "weeeeee.. and here I craasshh.. whooosh..OH WTF WTF WTF WHATS HAPPENING AARRGHH I AM IN HIS BEDROOM AARGH WHAT NOW!!! WTF!!" ..

I bet that will totally screw with his little helmeted bird-brain, and that in my world is an EPIC WIN.
At 1:46 PM, Anonymous said…

science time: the cardinal sees his own reflection in the window & thinks it's a rival male, so he's trying to chase it away so he can have all the laydeez for himself. if you cover the outside of window with something non-reflective, no more randy. you could use a plastic shower curtain (a white or clear one will still let in some light) or fake spray-snow or a bedsheet or something like that.

as for the dove, get a fake plastic owl statue or try a black silhouette of a hawk dive-bombing towards the air-conditioner, or mybe hang a plastic bag loosely by a string strung across the window, so the bag flaps around in the spot where the dove usually sits. doves are pretty dumb, though, so that might not work and eventually it'll just kill you anyway.

stamp
At 2:46 PM, A Lover and a Fighter said…

Anon and Megan- you guys need to synch up your stores. He sees his reflection and comes to attack it? Or he sees his reflection and runs away. What do i dooo?

Manu- I will suggest that.

Lainey- I hope your bird is more useful than Erma. Who sucks.

DGM- I used to have that same problem with cats in my backyard!
At 2:46 PM, A Lover and a Fighter said…

oy. And by stores, anon and megan, i obviously meant stories. Man. stupid erma. Making me make typos.
At 9:43 AM, kelsi said…

I don't know why doves are considered birds of peace. They're fucking annoying. I used to work at a theater that had a cote of them living under the eaves and during quiet parts of shows, there would always be an eruption of COOOOOOOOOOpayattentionCOOOOOOO. Afterwards, audience members would often comment on how nature-y the shows were.
At 1:29 PM, miss minneapolis said…

Maybe you could introduce Randy and Erma and they'd fall in love and fly away together and then you wouldn't have these problems?
At 2:22 PM, A Lover and a Fighter said…

Kelsi- erma is truly awful. And so annoying. but congrats on your authenticity

MM- Nobody would marry Erma. She's a shrew.
At 4:05 PM, Yvo said…

Hahahahahahah have you ever seen this movie called "Failure to Launch"? Hahahahahaha... err ... not that I watch those sorts of movies...
Anyway I love it. And Dr. Poop and you? Adorable.
At 5:39 PM, A Lover and a Fighter said…

I haven't seen that, yvo! but i just looked it up. Is the comparison between our bird issues and the mockingbird? Perhaps I should watch it for research purposes.