| too full of tempeh to be entertaining |
Hi kidlets,
I'm in a unique position (both literally and metaphorically) right now, because I still have another week off of school, and a somewhat relaxed work schedule, so I've been practicing my lounging. I almost typed lunging there, which would be weird and entirely unlike me to practice, and then I tried to retype it and typed luging, which would be even weirder, but I would need to practice that because I've never done it.
Anyway, all that to say that I have some time on my hands, and I'm spending it reclining as much as possible. I think my ass might go flat.
As a result, I don't have a ton to tell you. Except these:
1) Looky this email I got from the Suzer.
Two Things:
1. I had to leave the room at work the other day because Julia had written down a message for Ellie. Ellie then called the person back based on the hand written message (voice mail is for jerks) that Julia had taken:
Ellie: Hi, is this Ernesta?
Ellie: Oh sorry, Vanessa...
Me : losing my shit
I don't know why, it just killed me. I mean, if my name was Vanessa and someone called me Ernesta, I'd probably be pissed.
2. I was typing our event menu up the other day. It has increasingly come to my attention that I have a tendency to mistype the word "salmon" as "Slamon." This I find generally amusing. On this particular day I took it up a notch (BAM) and typed "smolked slamon." Come on now. What is that first L even doing there? I wished you had been there.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why she is one of my most treasured treasures. I wept a little when I read that. And by wept, I mean I might have laughed so hard I tee-teed in my pants a bit. Maybe. Let's not point any fingers.
2) Nancy Drew and the Case of the Armageddon Underwear
The weather here as been, for lack of a better term, mercurial. Freezing cold one day, seventy degrees the next. It's wild, I tell you. AL GORE, FIX IT! But I'm generally not really fazed because I spend my time indoors, where the climate is controlled and I look tan.
The weather has made my mother nervous, though, and because I am so accessible to her now, she's perfectly comfortable calling me with the latest WEATHER WATCH UPDATES.
"Meg? Meg. Ice. Ice storm! DRIVE SAFELY!" (no ice storm occurred)
"I saw on the news there's a flood watch. You'd probably better just sleep at work tonight."
"It's pretty sunny out. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR SUNGLASSES ARE???"
Et cetera.
When school was still in session, my mother had this Master Plan for making sure I didn't die on the way to, while sitting at, or on the way home from campus.
"Meg? Meg, it's your mom. So, I have an idea. I'm thinking that you should have some place safe to go where you can spend the night if it is snowing really hard, or the weather is super dangerous when you leave school at night."
Humoring her, I said "No problem, mom. I can stay with my friend Katie. She and her boyfriend really love it when I sleep on their couch."
"Katie? Your friend Katie? And she'd let you sleep over?"
"Unbelievably, yes."
"Oh, oh oh. Okay. Good. So now what you need to do is to start carrying around an extra pair of socks and some underwear in your purse."
"fuck. no."
"Yes. Yes you do. Because you always need extra socks and I don't know anybody who is going to turn down clean underwear." (I can prove her wrong with this post- Suzer, give it a read. I know it will bring back fond memories for you.)
We got into a little argument about underwear in my purse, which was my fault because I should have just told her I'd do it, and then not done it, but hindsight twenty grass greener whatever the shit, right? What I should NOT have done was end the argument with
"MOM. I hardly ever even WEAR underwear, okay? I'd be utterly in my ELEMENT if I were stranded without them in a blizzard! God!"
But that's what I chose to shout, and it brought up a whole slew of other problems, which was entirely foreseeable.
Anyway, now my school friends like to ask me if they can look in my purse for my Armageddon Underwear, but I really know that they just want gum and they're all assholes anyway.
3) The winner of my Name My Feature Contest is none other than brilliant logophilic commenter JMH, for his suggestion "Ask Miss Treading." Congratulations, JMH. Your email lit up my life. I will contact you for some t-shirt related information, and in the meantime, I have a few questions already stockpiled for this new feature, and they need answering.
If you'd like me to give you some terrible advice, please email me at aloverandafighter(at)gmail(dot)com.
Does that even really work to deter spam robots? I don't think so. But everyone else writes their addresses like that, so now I do too. Follow blindly, that's my motto.Labels: boring, DONT Ask Auntie Anti, giveaway, school |
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| 24 Comments: |
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The email you got reminds me of an overheard conversation.
My sister made a call, the one-sided part that I heard went a little like this:
"Hi, can I speak to Mrs Smith" (names changed to protect the innocent).
"No, Mrs Smith. No, no, no. MRS Smith. Well you can't be her, you're a man. Oh, right, I'm really sorry, you err, you just err.....sound like a man."
At this point I made a very inhuman sounding snort/laugh and I believe things came out of my nose. It wasn't Mrs Smith's fault she had such a deep voice after all. Ahem. I may have had to leave the room and go lay down.
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You should never fly without some extra pants in your purse. Let this be a lesson to you.
~ Grandma
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Dear Miss Treading,
I feel so ashamed. I am in a ltr, but I am drawn to this person who I only know from her blog posts. She is the funniest, most charmingest, smartest person I have ever not met. Sometimes I go and read her back blogs just for laughs. Talk about forbidden fruit. What should I do?
~ Piney
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Flib- Oh my GOODNESS. I think that tops the Ernesta/Vanessa debacle. That's hysterical.
Grandma- WHO SHOWED YOU THE INTERNET???
Dear Piney,
Miss Treading isn't sure what your "ltr" (which she had to think about briefly before deciphering, because she thought you meant "letter" but were Too Cool For Vowels, and she was wondering how someone was in a letter- how very post-structuralist of you, right? but now she gets it) has to do with your availability and willingness to consistently compliment her. So no harm, right? Carry on, my wayward son.
Blushingly,
Miss Treading
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Wow. I really can't stop thinking of all the wonderfully humiliating things that could possibly happen if I were carrying underwear in my purse, to the point that I almost thought for a minute that it might be a good idea. I obviously need help.
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You are just so frikin funny... Thanks!
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You have proven, without a doubt, that even full of tempeh, you are entertaining.
Speaking of the underwear in purse: that's an SATC episode, although it only comes out while Carrie is trying to pay for lunch. But a friend of mine - I shit you not - used to (not sure she still does) carry around a pair of emergency panties in her purse. She was in a long term relationship, and she never said it was because she might go sleep over with him (they're now married, two kids) or anything: she said it was "in case of accidents". The first time she said it, I couldn't stop giggling, but eventually, I realized I was the only one laughing (everyone else present had heard this before apparently but no one warned me) and I had to stop, never getting to ask her what KIND of accident. Boo.
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PS Shortly after that, I noticed VS actually sells an "emergency panty" pack. For last minute sleepovers or something.
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I love your penchant for loudly blurting out inappropriate things. I do that all the time.
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Seconding what inflammatory writ hath writ. Whenever I type all in caps, I think of you and it brings me joy.
Is it weird that I never quite understood the whole "Make sure your underpants are clean in case you're in an accident" thing? Like, would the paramedics or ER docs cutting your underpants off of you actually take the time to look and see? Would they deny treatment if you have skidmarks or otherwise? These are the things I wonder about. Does that fact make me a scumbag? FOR THE RECORD, I HAVE ON CLEAN UNDERPANTS (Oh, there you are, Meg!).
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My name is Vanessa and yes, I'd be PISSED! Don't call me Melissa either!
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Is the weather thing unique to midwestern mothers? Or did my mom's personality somehow take over your mother's brain? Either way, I was instructed to call NY to see if our NY people are okay...because the weather channel said there might be ice up there. or something.
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Now I can't decide if it would be more fun to get calls from your mom or e-mails from the Suzer.
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As your subtitle suggests, it would be important to have a Case of Armageddon Underwear on hand. One pair won't cut it if Armageddon happens; I suspect that will go on for more than a day.
In any event, I'd be more indignant about carrying an extra pair of socks. I hate socks.
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I have questions.
1) How was the tempeh in question served?
2) Since my initials are JMH, can I claim the prize should this same-initialed person fail to do so? I use to run sweepstakes for a now-defunct teen website, and you'd be surprised how many people enter contests, win and then never claim their prizes.
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Jess - Neat! I've never met anyone with the same initials as me. Let's compare social security numbers.
Wait, this is not my blog.
Meg - I'm delighted that you chose my entry. It's easy to be funny after reading one of your posts. All I have to do is continue down the path of breathless hilarity that you've already cut.
That said, I'm secretly very competitive, and I haven't won anything in a long time. I'm on a roll now. Maybe tomorrow I'll win the shouting contest with the guy at work. He works on the other side of the bathroom mirror. We've shouted to twenty-five consecutive draws. But tomorrow, Meg, I'll beat him. Thanks.
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Jamelah- I know. It really boggles the mind.
Sassy- YOU are.
Yvo (and Yvo)- I guess I just don't get it. Why would we not just go without underwear the next morning? Right? I don't know.
IW- Somebody has to love us.
Lengli- I know you wear clean undies. Remember when we shared a room? NY vs MN?? Also, I work in hospitals and I can tell you with absolute certainty that if there are skidmarks in your undies it goes in your chart. FOREVER. FOR. EV. ER.
vanessa- Melissa is a good point.
D- Let's never allow them near each other.
Pdw- Really, I lead a charmed life.
Dgm- The whole thing makes me indignant, but especially so because it's my mother telling me to do it.
Jess- 1) I'll email the recipe to you. It's pretty good. 2) I'll pretend JMH isn't commenting below you right now and say "yes."
JMH- I know you can do it. I, for one, have always believed in you.
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for a second i thought that the sassy who's commenting was *our* sassy, and it was confusing.
"smolked slamon" made me laugh out loud. no one in this room will understand. (and by "this room" i mean "my office" not "the internet.")
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Meg Meg Meg, do you really expect me (or anyone else for that matter) to believe that you look tan indoors, much less anywhere else? I've seen you in person, remember?
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OK. The emergency panty has long been a topic of interest between my sister and I. I *think* that Victoria's Secret once sold tiny panties to keep in your purse, you know, in case you have a one night stand. We were fascinated by this. And then of course wondered why, if this was a REAL concern, you wouldn't put a pair in a ziploc and keep it in your purse or trunk of your car or something.
I did find a "passport panty" on the innertube here:
http://www.stylelist.com/blog/2008/06/30/passport-panties-discreet-emergency-equipment-for-gals-on-the-g/
Anyway, love the post and stuff.
Paula
PS I am tagging you, so now you're it. If you feel so inclined.
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Kelsi, I know. Smolked slamon killed me. Killed me dead.
Minders- YES I DO LOOK TAN I AM A BRONZE GODDESS.
Paula- I just don't get it! I would rather just go commando the next day than worry about managing a pair of undies in my purse!
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Easily, going without undies would be the best choice. But let's say you were wearing a skirt in the summertime and didn't want to chance the obscene. Would it be that bad to wear the same pair until you could get your hands on another? I think not.
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anon, i'm in agreement with you.
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I'm not quite sure what your mom thinks you're doing to your underwear that they would be completely out of commission after one day? I mean, sure, they're not daisy fresh, but it's not going to hurt you to wear them again? Just to get home?
And you can always go the Mamaw route: whenever I used to spend the night at my Mamaw's house without packing a bag, she'd make me turn my underwear inside out the next day.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
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The email you got reminds me of an overheard conversation.
My sister made a call, the one-sided part that I heard went a little like this:
"Hi, can I speak to Mrs Smith" (names changed to protect the innocent).
"No, Mrs Smith. No, no, no. MRS Smith. Well you can't be her, you're a man. Oh, right, I'm really sorry, you err, you just err.....sound like a man."
At this point I made a very inhuman sounding snort/laugh and I believe things came out of my nose. It wasn't Mrs Smith's fault she had such a deep voice after all. Ahem. I may have had to leave the room and go lay down.