| Two potty boo boos, one hand. |
Have you guys ever heard the phrase "Your meat is showing?" It refers to a wound- like if you get a cut or something, it can be said that your meat is showing.
So, my meat is showing. Specifically my left hand meat, in two locations.
A few weeks back I was volunteering at a local shelter, and part of my job was to register people to receive food bank benefits. It was pretty fun- you got to meet a lot of people, and I always enjoy the opportunity to chat with strangers. My favorite part about that day was that the first man who approached me to register asked me if I was a professional cheerleader. He was CONVINCED I cheered for the local pro football team. I insisted that I didn't (they don't normally actively seek out squat, accident-prone little white (and I mean pale as all get out)) girls with no boobs. That's just my initial survey of the situation, but I could be wrong.
In any case, I told him no, I was not a cheerleader, but that was funny/charming/he's so silly har har har. He wouldn't drop it, and eventually my co-volunteers overheard and couldn't keep from snorting audibly (jerks). Finally his registration was finished, and I was blushing beet red, so I sent him on his way and gave myself a bathroom break.
Somehow, and I still don't understand the order of operations here, I managed to cut my hand while I was flushing the toilet. I blame the fact that I was wearing tights and sometimes I find them disorienting. The cut bled a surprising amount for such a small little poke, so after applying pressure for WAY longer than I felt necessary, I gave up, swathed my hand in paper towel, and resumed my post. I think I'd convinced myself that a) i could do my job one-handed and b) nobody would notice my big white paw anyway but as it turns out, neither of those things is true. Eff.
I had a hard time flipping pages and stamping things with just my one good hand, so I had to use my gimpy other hand, and then I had this conversation with every person I registered all day:
Me: Hi! How are you today? Can I see your form, please?
Person: What you got on your hand?
Me: Oh, ha. Yeah, I had a little accident. Do you also have your social security card? If not, that's okay.
Person: What, you cut that hand or something?
Me: Yeah, just a little nick. Is this the correct address for your ticket?
Person: Why do you have all that paper towel on it? Haven't you ever heard of a band-aid?
Me: Well, I HAVE heard of them, yes. Very famous product. But um, it's fine. No big thing. Here, take this ticket and then go to the food pick-up station just around the corner. Okay? Do you have any questions?
Person: I think I have a band-aid. Or my mama does. MAMA! DO YOU GOT A BAND AID IN YOUR PURSE??
So I'm essentially stealing band aids from the homeless WHILE THEY WAITED IN LINE FOR FREE FOOD. Mother Theresa ain't got nothing on me!
Terrible.
So this little cut has almost perfectly healed- just a small scar. I guess I cut it deeper than I thought on that toilet. But whatever, it's better.
The other night at school, we were taking our mid-lecture break and everyone was in the bathroom chatting and washing up, and I was blabbing about something during Awkward Mirror Talk. Everyone does this, right? When a bunch of people are in the bathroom together, and you talk to each other's reflections versus your actual selves? Do you know what I mean? Nobody else does this?
Anyway, I was AMTing to my classmates when I reached my recently-washed hand over to the motion-activated towel dispenser to wave it around until it took pity on me and spat out a towel.
Again, somehow, and I really don't know what happened, I hit the towel dispenser with my hand and felt a brief pain. As is my MO when I disgrace myself or really klutz it up in public, I attempted to pretend that nothing had happened because my god, who has the energy, you know? I do this kind of thing a lot of times per day.
The other girls, my dry hands, and I headed back to class and everything was fine until we set foot through the door of the lecture hall and my friend Rob said "Meg, is that blood on your shirt?"
I looked down. "Hm. Why yes. Yes it is."
"How did you do that?"
"I think I hurt my hand on the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom."
"Isn't it automatic?"
"Shut up."
"Seriously, how did that happen?"
"Maybe it's her period," one guy whispered conspiratorially.
"Yes, Joe. It's my ribcage period. You got it. You are going to be a fucking awesome physician someday."
At this point, the professor had rejoined the class. She looked where everyone else was looking- namely, my shirt.
"What happened there? Do you need to go home?"
"No, it's...my hand hit the...I'm fine. Sorry. I'll just sit down."
I returned to my seat, my face now the color of the Pollacky blood splatters on the front of my own sweatshirt. I attempted to make some joke about how if anyone wanted to use my dna to frame me for a crime, no time like the present, right??? But I trailed off when everyone just looked at me the same way you look at a baby unknowingly vomiting on her own onesie.
"Awww...that's gross."Labels: accidents, school |
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| 17 Comments: |
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Your stories are endlessly entertaining
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I adore you and as usual am cracking up. I always randomly injure myself and pretend that it didn't happen. Especially in public restrooms because, well, why not? One time, I burnt myself horribly on one of those automatic hand dryers. On my face. Don't ask.
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*Sigh*
I thought we had an understanding that people like us should never leave the house without Super Glue, a Tide-To-Go pen, and Band-Aids.
[shakes head disapprovingly]
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Mkay, I must have the dirtiest mind ever, cause "your meat is showing" sure didn't make me think what you meant.
But after I got past the fact that you are not a boy, so it couldn't mean THAT, I remembered that my ex-husband used to say he "got cut so deep the white meat showed". So, similar idea I suppose. (It makes a little more sense if you know that he is black).
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deutlich- thank you, m'dear.
IW- but i WANT to ask...
TK-I know, but I seriously have depleted all the supplies in my HotMessOnTheGo kit and haven't yet replaced them.
Sassy- Dirty bird! But yeah, i swear I didn't make it up.
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OKAY FINE. I was in college and I was drunk. So I puked. And some got in my hair. So i washed it in the sink. And then I tried to blowdry my drunk pukey wet hair with the hair dryer, and because I was drunk, I put my forehead right on the hot part. THERE ARE YOU HAPPY?
;-)
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the hand dryer, not the hair dryer. But you know what I meant.
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I've never figured out how to de-awkwardize AMT. It happens at the gym all the time. Am I supposed to talk to the reflection of the person sitting right next to me, or do I face him? I've been lifting for 20 years, and I still haven't figure this out.
As a doc-in-training, shouldn't you clean bathroom wounds with more than just a paper towel? Just askin'--medicine's not my field, so I'll yield to the professional.
Word verification: "stude" I think that's a stud dude. Where can I get me one?
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Awkward Mirror Talk... it's the worst in college dorms when you face it almost every time you have to take a wizz.
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Please understand I only ask this question for scientific purposes: If you don't have boobs, what did you flash at the wedding?
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I'm still confused about the injury/the toilet. Was it made out of glass or nails? Was this an outhouse? But once you mentioned the tights--I got it. Can't explain it, but tights fuck with my head too.
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In guys-hanging-around-mechanic-shops speak.. "your meat is showing" actually means that the fat balding middle aged mechanic just bent over and is showing his butt crack to all and sundry..
.. that is a much more harrowing and soul scarring experience than cuts and bruises, as I can tell from experience..just saying :)
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I assumed, "Your meat is showing," was akin to XYZ (eXamine Your Zipper).
In any event, that's how I'm using it now.
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iw- HAHAHAHHAA.
dgm- I also used soap! And tap water! And you are probably right. And i've heard you can stock up on many stud dudes at a time if you shop at costco or sam's or the like.
Viv- oh, i know. I just never handle it well. Either I turn to look at the person and they're mirror-talking me, or vice versa. Always a mess.
Girl- Sternum, of course. Drives the menfolk wild.
Prosy- god bless you for trying to make sense of it all. The toilet handle was plastic, but broken (borken) and i cut my finger on a shard. Dirty.
manu- goodness gracious! also, how are you?
PET- That's not bad either. I will use it too and assist you in your campaign.
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LOL! I really want to meet you someday, but I'm becoming increasingly afraid you'll hurt me. ;)
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Maybe it's because I'm 5 but I thought by "your meat is showing" it meant that your wang was hanging out and by wang I mean penis.
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Okay, so I'm like three months late to this party, but I have a bit of trivia I like to share because it comes in really handy sometimes:
if you bleed on something, your own spit is a great stain remover! You carry your own blood dissolving enzymes, apparently.
(on clothing, the most efficient way to use this info is take two little toilet paper / paper towel pads, put one under the stain, repeatedly dab or spit saliva on it til it's starting to soak through and lighten, then squish the other pad on top. Half the time that's all you need, it's miraculously just wet instead of bloody!)
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
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Your stories are endlessly entertaining