| fay moose. |
I found this in my drafts- it's from MAY of 2008. I don't know why I never posted it. But now is as good as a time as any. Just remember to read as though you're reading it in May, okay guys?
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Hi guys. guess what? i am on a road trip. sort of.
well, that's a lie. i'm in laguardia. i'm about to be on a road trip though!
see, the suzer is moving across the country to live with her man. she's done with grad school and ready to play house. i am hugely supportive as her man is really a treasure, and he loves my friend and he makes her happy, and that's all i really want, you know? plus he understands and supports and loves the concept of Best Girlfriends, and guys like that are few and far between. this is all to say that the suzer is moving out there and i am going to help. helper monkey.
we will be driving from chicago to seattle. isn't that exciting? and just so long? super far. Think of all the bathroom breaks I will need. It boggles the mind.
today has been eventful. i went out last night with some wonderful friends of mine, and it was awesome. we ate and drank and talked and it was really so nice. but i got home late and hadn't packed so i started to but THEN the internet! it was RIGHT THERE, and it was all 'hey! want to window shop? and also? BLOGS!' so long story short i went to bed late and was not fully packed, though i noticed this morning that i had carefully and deliberately put three toothbrushes in my purse. girl scout quality readiness, i tell you that.
so then, i dragged my stupid procrastinating ass out of bed at 4:30 to finish packing- and i think i did a deplorable job- and then booked it to the gym. it was about 5:30.
i was puffing along the street with my overstuffed bags in tow, sherpa-like but without the finesse, and i got stopped by a news crew. they wanted to interview me about the con edison rate hike that is forthcoming.
to recap: five thirty AM. no make up, gym hair, late night the night before, hauling bags. never fear! all part of my master plan to appear a big hot mess on television so some handsome wealthy man will be irresistibly attracted to me as a 'fixer-upper' and then i'll get a makeover, pretty-woman style, and skyrocket to fame, fortune, and glamour. right? right.
in any case, they had a lot of questions for me, and i talked for a while and then excused myself to go to the gym. i guess 'talked' isn't the word for it. i ranted, kind of, maybe. and i accused the news guy of trying to make me look bad since he got to wear make up and i didn't. In any case, I definitely walked a fine line between coming off as socially aware and making myself look crazy, and by "walked a fine line" i mean I blew through the line like a bulldozer and then ran back and peed all over it, shouting "CON ED WATCHES ME SLEEP!" (That's an exaggeration, but I really could not have made myself look any more insane.)
Thoroughly disgraced, I headed in to the gym just in time to hop on a treadmill before the 6 AM news came on. I noticed that the TVs in the gym were tuned to a different network, causing me to breathe a sigh of relief before cranking up my music and trying to sweat out all my booze and cheese.
I'd gone just under two miles when I heard the gym staff making some sort of announcement over the loudspeaker. Normally I'd ignore this kind of thing, because it's usually like "Attenshun membuhs, Powah Squattin' wit Gary is beginnin' now in duh Sout' studio...attenshun membuhs, it's time for powah squattin' wit garythankyouenjoyyaworkout." As you can see, that wouldn't really apply to me.
But due to a brief pause while my playlist soared to another carefully chosen iPod Secret, I was able to overhear MY OWN NAME over the loudspeaker. I about fell on the floor.
"Attenshun membuhs, please watch the monituhs to see membuh MEG (LAST NAME HERE) who GOT HERSELF INTAVIEWED BY THE DAMN NEWS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"
And then, as if in slow motion, my undercaffeinated overenthused self was talking away- nay, manically babbling away- for far, far too many seconds on not one, not two, but SIX FUCKING TELEVISIONS while everyone in the gym ceased their own fitness activities to watch the disaster unfold.
Guys, it was much worse than I thought. I looked SO crazy. I could have been swinging a cat around my head by the tail and it would have been an improvement. No wonder they played it- and if my news-watching experience in the past 27 years has taught me anything, it's that Insane Yelling Lady is a good lead, so it was probably going to run all goddamned day.
The people in my gym were laughing, because they were neither blind nor deaf so how could they miss what had just gone on up there on the screen, but they also cheered and offered subtle encouragements like "Fuck yeah," and "Con Ed can go piss up a rope, eh?" Still, I wasn't comforted. Clearly, I was about to come in to my fifteen minutes of fame, and it wasn't going to be pretty. Literally.
On the way to work, I called the Suzer to weep about my shame, and she hung up on me and called her parents so they could look up the clip on the internet.
But, my lovely little readers, know what happened next? This terrible tragedy. And while I am by no means glad that this crane accident occurred, it meant that my time on the telly had run its course. All news for the rest of the day, and for many days after that, was concerning the crane collapse and the subsequent deaths and injuries, and nobody could care less about my bellyflop into Crazytown (third hovel on the left, just past Gin Drinker's Lane).
Saved. Sort of.Labels: accents, help my brain is weird, inappropriateness, rants, weirdos |
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| 8 Comments: |
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Please stop making me cry. First I was laughing so hard at the sheer hilarity of you improving your interview by swinging a cat that I started crying. But they quickly turned to tears of jealousy. If only I could be as funny as you.
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Did the suzer find it online?
And save it?
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ha! i'm so camera shy that this would never happen to me. thank god.
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Holy SHIT dude, this made me chortle so hard that my boss asked me what I was reading and I said "NOTHING!" like a kid who had been caught eating a bag of Doritos before dinner (not like I ever did that, because I was never a fat kid or anything).
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Before I continue reading, did you truncate your RSS feed? Because I got really confused; there was no warning and I was like "Why did she post a 3 sentence draft that ends mid sentence...?"
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Girl, I love that you think it's funny when it is so shameful. That makes me feel better about my new heights achieved in social awkwardness.
Pdw- nope, crane collapse trumped me.
Lora- LUCKY.
IW- doritos do a body good.
Yvo- you know, I don't know. i was in there poking around on things in blogger and i might have. Sorry for the confusion. I'm inept.
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There's a toothless old lady who wanders the alley behind my building proclaiming that she's wearing her sexy drawers. Not so much now that it's icy, but come next Spring I'm sure she'll be back. Did I have a tie-in when I started this story? Hell.
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JMH- your tie in is probably along the lines of "situations in which meg will find herself in t minus 40 years," right? A- hole! (Just kidding.)
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
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Please stop making me cry. First I was laughing so hard at the sheer hilarity of you improving your interview by swinging a cat that I started crying. But they quickly turned to tears of jealousy. If only I could be as funny as you.