Hobocamp

Friday, November 28, 2008

I originally wrote this Thanksgiving 2006, and I thought perhaps I'd recycle it so that I didn't have to write anything this week and I could still remind everyone to ENTER MY CONTEST SO MAYBE I CAN MAKE YOU A SHIRT!!!!!

I am lucky enough to have some very foreign friends who live in England. Today, in honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving festivities, I am going to answer their questions about this uniquely American holiday. PJS readers, please meet Laura and Tim. They will be quizzing me on behalf of the United Kingdom. Don't worry- I won't give away any of our country's secrets. Laura, Tim- you may begin.

So Thanksgiving. What's it for- something about Pilgrims?
It started as a holiday shared between the Pilgrims and the Native Americans, before the Pilgrims helped screw them over, kill them off, and perpetuate stereotypes about them. That all came later. Now, it's a day that is spent with friends and family where we eat a lot of food and then fall asleep watching TV or volunteer to walk the dog so we can sneak cigarettes and talk on our cell phones to our friends.

What do you eat?
Excellent question, and one with a varied history. See, we eat what we like to think the Pilgrims and Native Americans ate, but they didn't really eat this stuff, because they were poor and nobody had invented caterers yet. We enjoy: turkey, stuffing, potatoes (mashed and sweet), weird green bean casserole that is very slimy and creamy and gross, vegetables, lots of carbs, cranberry sauce that is carefully sculpted to look like the inside of a can, and pies aplenty. Some people eat ham but they are heathens.

The Pilgrims and Native Americans ate: wheat, barley, peas, lots of fowl (like duck, which makes you fat) including swans, deer, fish, and wild turkey. For dessert they had some sort of puddingy thing. But not like Jell-O. Like rice pudding. Without the rice. And everyone drank beer.

Is it bigger than Christmas? Do you get the day off?
It's not bigger than Christmas because it is way harder to commercialize, but we definitely get the day off. And usually the day after too. Because nobody can zip their pants yet, and a very lucky few of us get to make our living without pants.

Also, we get the day after Thanksgiving off because it is known as Black Friday- the biggest shopping day of the year. Our country needs us to shop! Unless you are one of the four people who celebrate Buy Nothing Day every year. These folks believe in using informal protest (aka abstaining from shopping) as a means of protest against rampant mindless consumerism. However, they're obviously communists. And probably poor. (This is a joke.)

(My other favorite thing that anti-consumerism protestors do is called Whirl-Mart. They gather at some horrid retail giant like Wal-Mart or Toys R Us and they slowly, slooowwwwllly push empty shopping carts through the aisles, blocking angry bargain-hunters from getting their PlayStations. Isn't that funny, as long as it isn't happening to you?? I love it.)

Are there any Santa-type figures?
While there isn't a Santa Counterpart for Thanksgiving, all of the Santa representation really starts to unfold after Thanksgiving, as that is the true start of the holiday shopping season. So you can't go very far without seeing them. And Santa is the star of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade- he gets the biggest curtain call. We do, however, have Al Roker.

Do you all go to town with the Thanksgiving Decorations?
This varies from person to person. In my home, we have had live turkeys milling about since Easter. Just so we're ready. We're festive and fun, though- not everyone is like us.

Why can't you just have Christmas?
BeCAUSE. This is DIFFERENT! This is a holiday about togetherness and taking things from people who are nice to you! It's about gluttony and Stove Top and having a day off of work and making fun of vegetarians and "tofurkeys!" And if you can't understand this then it is no surprise the Pilgrims fled from your religious intolerance so many years ago! Thank goodness THAT is no longer a problem in today's world. You're welcome, everyone.

When is it?
Well, this one is a little tricky. See, it used to be on the 4th Thursday in November, and then FDR realized he could do the economy a favor and provide us with an extra week of holiday shopping if we moved Thanksgiving to the 3rd Thursday in November. It was just a clusterfuck from there on out. Now it is usually celebrated on the 4th Thursday, which is often the last Thursday of the month, but this year we have 5 Thursdays...so...um...carry the two...and if there is a leap year...whatever, fuck it. Canada thinks its in OCTOBER. Or should I say OCTOBRE. Dummies.

Can we come?
Sure. But have fun flying here. It's a fucking madhouse to travel from here on out. Maybe make like your Pilgrimy friends and take a boat.

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Thanks for permitting that kids. Now, get to that contest! My glitter finger is getting itchy!

oxoxoxox

Meg

Labels: blogs, boring, giveaway, the all seasons tree

posted by A Lover and a Fighter at 2:43 PM -

4 Comments:

At 5:04 PM, inflammatory writ said…

This seems so appropriate considering my food hangover and the fact that someone DIED in LONG ISLAND in a WALMART STAMPEDE. Caps for emphasis.
At 8:54 PM, E Chuod said…

You forgot to mention the part where each member of the family takes turns passing the urn containing dead Uncle Bob around the table and explains why they are thankful and how the person across from them can avoid being such a jerk in the future.

Or is that just my house?
At 1:12 AM, sue ellen mishkey said…

Octobre :'(
At 7:56 AM, kelsi said…

i miss the hell out of the all-seasons tree.