| Auntie Anti. |
Hello, niblets!
I've had an idea and I want to see what you guys thought about it. It's based on the fact that I consistently make terrible choices and then am forced to suffer the consequences. I want to spare others those trials and tribulations, so here's what I'm thinking.
I think I'll start an Anti-Advice column. I might call it Ask Auntie Anti or something, because I'm having visions of myself being the next Dear Abby, or Ann Landers, or Erma Bombeck, but wrong all the time. I will sit posed at my rolltop desk, quill pen in hand, perhaps adjusting a strand or two of stray hair from my chignon, sipping on tea and responding to plaintive letters from faraway friends.
It's playing out beautifully in my mind. The only stipulation is this:
Whatever I say I would do, you must do the opposite. Otherwise you will be destined for the same batshit crazy messes in which I consistently find myself. Okay? Okay.
So you email, maybe, and ask Auntie Anti what to do about your office crush, or whatever. And Auntie Anti lovingly writes back that in HER day, a young woman would never approach the object of her desire directly. Instead, she advises loitering lusciously whenever he is around, engaging oneself in transparently made up activities- polishing the telephones, or nibbling flirtatiously on the office ficus, or maybe even staging a quick but dramatic Trip N Fall over a pesky and dangerous pencil. Auntie Anti assures you that enough of these little charades will result in you firmly implanting yourself in his mind, and soon enough he will come a'courtin' to your cube, a big smile on his face and a bouquet of flowers made of Post Its in his hand, and it will all magically progress from there.
So you, as the reader, will receive this advice, and proceed to engage in its diametric opposite. In this case, I'd assume this means walking directly up to the young man and saying "hey, want to grab a drink sometime?" or something similar. Because even a total dipshit would know that any of the things that I said I would do would immediately make me look like an escapee from a local nut house, and nobody wants to take the Office Wackadoo to dinner. Them's just the facts.
The reason I decided to do this was because I've gotten a few emails over the years from people saying stuff like "i was in the grocery store and I totally pulled a hobocamp move when I saw a cute guy squeezing melons and I decided to go talk to him but when I got there the only thing I could say, well, scream, was 'what, are you trying to make them lactate!?!?!' and then we both ran away."
See? This can't go on. Auntie Anti is perfectly willing to accept responsibility for her own fuck-ups, but she is NOT going to drag everyone down with her. It's time for a change!
So if you find yourself wandering around without guidance and you need some anti-advice, please feel free to e-mail me at aloverandafighter(at)gmail(dot)com. I will respond on the blog and then you can be confident that whatever I say is the wrong choice, and you should proceed in the opposite direction with confidence.
Okay, lovers. Let's get cracking. Together, with me issuing advice and you not following it, we can make your dreams come true!
Love,
Auntie Anti.Labels: Ask Auntie Anti, blogs, i'm kind of a jerk |
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| 7 Comments: |
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as far as terms of endearments go, you win with niblets.
i had written a comment before offering my services as the overly stoic and vigilantly rational contrapuntal voice to your auntie anti, but really, who wants to hear about stoic and rational?
the end results are the same (run screaming) but the story is much less fun.
i leave this all to auntie anti. (i think there's some meaning in the fact that the word verification is hypertic.)
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Hi Meg,
I can totally imagine you doing this for an online magazine. If I had an online magazine I'd hire you. You'll be really good at it. You can charm the pants off a snake, as they say.
Word verification of the day: gatousi. An update of the song, obviously. "Gah uh gaaaaa....gah ah gah tousi." Oh these kids and their crazy 'rock and roll.'
Lookout snakies!
~ Piney, your #1 fan
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Brilliant. Of course I can never avail myself of this service because if I stop doing stupid crap I... I don't know. I might not know myself anymore. But that doesn't stop me from thinking it's a brilliant idea.
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This is a super duper idea. I will be thinking of some questions for you, because I do find myself in curious situations every day.
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ohhhh, that would make me sad. if someone came up to me and said "whoa, i totally pulled a kate right then," my first reaction would be "what, you said whatever came to your mind way too loudly?" (like the day i said "i have trouble being trampy" and i didn't realize that no phones were ringing and everyone else had stopped talking. hello! not a good slut!) my second reaction would be: "you should BE SO LUCKY to pull a kate!" but then secretly i would be said that pulling a kate is just automatically something ridiculous and embarassing.
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you know what will happen, should this series really happen? you'll get a book deal, is what.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
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as far as terms of endearments go, you win with niblets.
i had written a comment before offering my services as the overly stoic and vigilantly rational contrapuntal voice to your auntie anti, but really, who wants to hear about stoic and rational?
the end results are the same (run screaming) but the story is much less fun.
i leave this all to auntie anti. (i think there's some meaning in the fact that the word verification is hypertic.)