| Eeeeeeeee! Mail. |
I was poking around in my emails the other day, and I found this exchange between Jess and me, in the very beginning of our friend-courtship when I had a massive girl crush on her from afar. When I found out that a friend of mine was going to her birthday party, I invited myself along, and then shoved him out of the way for most of the night so that I could talk to her. Now Jess and I are dear friends, which goes to show, boys and girls, that sometimes it pays to be a stalker.
Jess posted this on her fabulous blog forever ago, and it just occurred to me to do the same.
Jess
Back when I was doing the online dating thing, I came across this guy who had every hair color listed in preferences except red. So I emailed him and asked him if he had a redhead aversion. I even said, look, I don't want to date you, I'm just curious. He didn't write back.
Meg:
That guy probably couldn't believe you didn't want to date him. "But, she's a redhead. Seriously, how choosy can she afford to be? This has to be a ruse."
I'm trying to think if I have any mass exlusions from my dating pool. So far, I have come up with:
1) Fascists.
You?
Jess:
2) Republicans
3) Vincent Gallo
Meg:
4) My uncles
5) The homeless. Sorry. I'm a bitch like that. Where would we go to hook up?
6) Gilbert Gottfried
Jess:
Am I the only one who didn't know GG did the AFLAC duck?
7) Flava Flav
Meg:
Yes.
8) Scientologists.
Jess:
He was the first celebrity I ever saw in NYC. It was my first day
interning at VH1 and I saw him in Times Square. I was hoping for like,
Johnny Depp and I got Gilbert Gottfried.
9) Gene Simmons
Meg:
Mine was Teri Hatcher, pre-desperate housewives. During her slump. She looked quite the crackhead hovering outside of Cabaret (when it was running) wearing the tiniest tightest jeans that clung to her leg bones (which were the size of my wrists) and a huge fur coat. It was July. I was underwhelmed.
10) Sarah Jessica Parker
Jess:
True story. My friend [name redacted] met [name redacted: all you need to know is he's famous] in a club, and he invited her to go back to his place and play Bend Over Boyfriend with a strap-on.
I would have gone.
11) Guys who like Coldplay
Meg:
I would have gone in a HEARTBEAT. Are the rules to Bend Over Boyfriend as easy as they sound? How does he feel about redheads?
12) Guys who use the phrase "Where's that at?"
Jess:
I can only assume his stance on redheads is..."They can totally fuck me up the ass with a strap-on while my wife is out of town."
13) Guys who attend Star Trek conventions
Meg:
14) Guys who use babytalk in the sack.
Jess:
15) Guys who won't let me fuck them up the ass with a strap-on.
Meg:
16) Guys who want to wear diapers and pretend that I'm their mother.
Jess:
17) Guys who want to pee on me, or want me to pee on them.
Meg:
18) Any man who uses the word "bro" when talking to other men.
Jess:
19) Any guy who uses the word "anywho." Seriously, I dumped someone
because of that once.
Meg:
20) Guys who "don't eat sweets, really." Seriously.
Jess:
Who says that?
Meg:
I just have to hold on to the hope that somewhere out there there is a guy who will let me stick a dildo up his ass, who likes cheesecake, and who loves peeing in the toilet.
Jess:
Pretty tall order. Talk about unrealistic expectations.Labels: blogs, friends, help my brain is weird, when it's okay to kick a person in the crotch |
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| 10 Comments: |
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Guys who use hair products.
Who watch procedural crime dramas.
Who don't drink beer.
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Guys who chew with their mouths open.
Guys with vestigial tails.
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Guys with douchebaggy facial hair, such as the soul patch.
Guys who talk about things that are funny and refer to Dane Cook.
Guys who don't read.
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Wow you totes wouldn't date me *sad face
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HS- Oooh, solid additions.
Lengli- what if they'd been born with a tail but it was removed?
kayak- A-FUCKING-MEN
jamelah- yes, yes and yes.
yvo- we'd make an exception.
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I don't know Jess, but you gotta respect any woman who puts Republicans and Vincent Gallo that high up on the list.
And, so far, I am only ruled out from dating HS.
It's nice to have options, bro.
Oh, crap.
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Guys who don't know the difference between they're/their/there. Or if they do know the difference, think it "doesn't matter"
Guys who "LIKE" video games such as World of Warcraft
Guys who tuck in t-shirts
Guys who wear white socks that go any higher than the ankle, or black socks that go any lower than the shin
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Guys who are prettier than me.
Guys who don't eat, or guys with legs skinnier than my wrists (same thing, really).
Guys with multiple degrees from ivy-league schools.
Guys who wear bracelets.
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You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/10/five-star-friday-edition-28.html
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
See my profile...
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Guys who use hair products.
Who watch procedural crime dramas.
Who don't drink beer.