| this just in: heat wave renders blogger boring and nonsensical |
Hi.
Heat wave.
For real. It's wicked schwetty ballz hot here. I have a great alarm clock that includes a lot of awesome (code for useless) features, and one of those features is a thermometer. Usually, I find that feature kind of stupid, because if I'm trying to plan my outfit based on the current temperature, I only know the temperature in my room which doesn't put me very ahead of the game and then I end up wearing something wildly inappropriate, like a sweater over dress over pants over tights with clogs and a hat, and then when I go outside people are like "Are you wearing all the clothes you own at the same time?" and I'm like "NO SHUT UP MY ROOM LIED HELP I AM HOT AND CONFUSED." But in this case, it's slightly more helpful because it enables me to tell you that, at this very moment, it is NINETY FOUR degrees in my room.
NINETY FOUR!
That is hot.
As you may have surmised, we do not have air conditioning. Not only is it really expensive in the city, but our windows do not open the right way. Do you know what I mean? Most windows open
like
this.
Or, more frequently,
this
^
l
l
l
l
l
like
Ours open
like <------------------> this.
Booooooooooo to that.
You may remember when my lovely roommate blogged about our cold apartment. She told me at the time that she hadn't actually believed me when I insisted that the time would come that she'd cry because of the cold. "So sorry, lovely roommate," I consoled. "It won't be cold forever. Tea? Tea, maybe?"
And now, this. Last night she told me she'd never experienced anything like this heat wave, and keep in mind she used to live in Los Angeles. I have guilt!
So sorry, lovely roommate! It won't be hot forever! Soon, it will be bone-chillingly cold again!
Right now, I am sprawled on my bed in a tank top and underwear because it is too hot to wear anything else, and I'm in quite the pickle. I have to go to the bathroom. The bathroom is not in my room. It is in the hall.
Kelsi and I have another roommate- a very kind, very interesting old man in a young man's body. That is to say, he is quite conservative and shy and talks like a grandpa. He's pretty much in a constant state of shock around us, and he has a similar effect on us as Truth Serum has on me at work. Seriously. While he's around, we end up talking about ridiculous sex acts and what foods make us want to barf.* Do I risk running out there and potentially bumping in to him while I'm in my skivvies, giving him a heart attack and peeing myself in the process? Or do I hold it all night long? Or do I pee out my window? Or do I put on some pants?
Obviously, that last one is a joke. I would spontaneously combust.
I got my travel shots today. I only got Hepatitis, Yellow Fever, Typhoid, and the polio booster. I think immunizations are exciting, even though they make your arm hurt. I feel like diving into a germ pit and saying "JUST TRY IT, MICROFUCKERS!" It also makes me feel like I can try eating anything I want, no negative repercussions, which is totally not the case as I barf at the drop of a hat.
I did not, however, get the rabies shot. I know, I know. But I just couldn't do it! Nobody responded to my feral kitten craigslist ad, and I couldn't come up with 700 dollars for some silly shot. Not when there are coordinating kitchen appliances to be had! As it was, those shots I got cost me $420. And I haven't even filled the prescriptions yet.
It will be fine. I am not going to get rabies (knock wood). Have I mentioned that I've been told one can hear lions roaring at night from the community house where I'll be staying in Tanzania? And that it's down the road from some national wildlife preserve thing? And that I have a debilitating condition wherein I must smush my face into whatever animal I see, cooing and babbling like a lady who is not in possession of her faculties? Easy, Lenny. This will turn out just fine.
Update! I ran out to the hallway in my underwear, super secret double agent style. He didn't see me. But I forgot that I would also have to run BACK, so I was strolling and taking my time when I heard his door opened so I fucking BOLTED and ran into my room, knocking over my fan and desk chair in the process, ending up sprawled on the floor in my drawz like some bad horror movie victim. I think the door was closed by then. I think. He'll probably move soon. Sorry, Kelsi.
Friday is my last day at work. That's super weird, but I can distract myself with parties all week long. My ma is coming to help me pack up my crap on Saturday. That's super nice of her, but I'm a little afraid that she will melt into a puddle and then she won't be any use to me at all.
Finally, since it is obviously time to stop talking, I wanted to say how grateful I am, internet, to be one of the top results for the following search terms:
Boobs hanging out of bra
Lifetime movies about teenagers gambling
Refrigerator, get ready for a gold-starred print out of this moment.
Ta ta for now,
Meg
* Double fisting and butter. In that order.Labels: accidents, barfing, inappropriateness, on the homefront, silly |
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| 24 Comments: |
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And to think that I've been searching every else on the internet for boobs hanging out of bras.
This could have been useful information, Meg.
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Haaaa. Yeah, it is WAY too hot here. Our new apartment has those big floor unit air conditioners (we're not allowed the window kind). The landlord said if we ran both at once we could probably "make ice on the walls". He lied. He's a big ol liar.
I'm going to be spending my summer either A) in the cold shower or B) in wet underclothes just after getting out of the cold shower. It's a shame we just moved to a big apartment and I'm not going to spend time in any room but the bathroom...
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if i'm not mistaken, it wasn't just double fisting, but *anal* double fisting that was the topic of conversation.
also, yeah, wow, how does it stay so hot in that apartment? it's like some form of bad magic.
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The diagram of how your windows open was very helpful.
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I can't decide what I should rub in your face, the fact that it is a breezy 80 degrees in LA, or the fact that we have an air conditioning unit in our living room AND bedroom.
Or the fact that I can let my roommate see me in my undies.
But rest assured, I am indeed jealous that you are about to go on exciting adventures and that my summer travel plans include a trip to see my parents in upstate New York.
You win this round.
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Meg, since you are coming out here, we have a case of rabid bats here in the northwestern suburbs of chicago.... maybe we should go spelunking
also i think your mom will be fine, what with her having consistantly lived on the surface of the sun (st louis)
cant wait to see you!!
SOCKS NO PANTS!
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As I read on to see whether you would venture into the hall or pee out the window, I wanted to shout at my screen, "Don't pee out the window! The window doesn't open the right way!" But I see you made the right choice.
Also, I live in a temperaturistically perfect climate year'round (not boasting) and I hate heatwaves. Hate them. So please accept my condolences.
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Pdw- do you really expect anyone to believe that you've left stones unturned when it comes to trawling the internet for boobs? Really? Think about it.
Keight- My god, the cold shower. Saves my spirit every morning.
Kelsi- I haven't the foggiest.
Mindy- I'm a helper.
HS- Are you trying to kill me? Is that it? What have I ever done to you? EXCEPT LOVED YOU.
Anon- Yes, we should. And then go play at the Raccoon Depository. Can't wait to see YOU.
DGM- I like a little suspense in my stories. And your condolences were accepted, but holding them made me too hot so I left them outside. Sorry.
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Is your apartment sideways?
Or maybe it's a cave?
Because I imagine caves (the ones owned by rich people) have windows that open that way.
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Alrighty, I'm gonna be an asshole; hope y'all can handle it.
News of your "heat wave" actually made the news down here in South Oz. Gosh, thought I, they must be having it bad if a heat wave made news down here! So I looked at the temps and the forecast and how long this was supposed to go on for all of you. Ummmmmmmmm... not much of a heat wave... (I'm gonna get "roasted" for this).
When we had our 3 week heat wave recently is was 112 F in the shade. When I moved the temp sensor out of the shade is read 147 F.
Yeah, that's quite the "heat wave" y'all have going on up there.
Everyone can now feel free to "flame" me now :)
BTW you should see some of the longtime aussies bundle up when the temp gets below 90 in the fall. Kinda funny.
It's definitely a lot better than minus 58 with a windchill of minus 92.
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"microfuckers"
sheer genius, that.
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Your first paragraph made me laff and laff! That's exactly how I would talk to my smart ass friends.
I don't know if my housemates object, but I frequently eat breakfast, iron, and generally walk about the house in my underpants - and it's winter here. I don't even have an excuse!
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Dave- I don't think you're being an asshole, but what I do think is that you're overlooking the relative importance of a climate to which a community is accustomed, and whether or not they have the resources to adjust. That is to say because you all regularly experience high high temperatures (because you live on the sun, apparently. gross) your community knows how to handle it. Whereas in our community, the death toll is rising because of the heat wave and its related complications. While I would love to make it a pissing contest to see who has Bigger National Balls, tragically it just comes down to what "extreme" means to each individual population. Dig? But I wasn't offended by what you said. And I don't really know what flamed means anyway. I misread it at first as "flashed."
Fathima- Let them try it. I'm for serious.
Socialtyrant- You hate pants. We understand.
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Oh, and surviving- I googled "rich people caves" and I couldn't find anything. Show me these rich people caves. Then give me one. Stat. Chop chop.
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I had windows like that in the awful house I lived in last summer, where I nearly steamed to death every day. What is the POINT of windows like that? Which is to say that I felt bad before, thinking about how unfortunate it is to melt, but I feel worse knowing about the windows. Stay strong. And pants are overrated anyway.
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dear meg,
if you didn't live so far away, i would invite you to come over to my apartment in AZ where we not only have the AC on at 72 degrees (and the temp outside is 107), but it is ILLEGAL to not have an AC unit. acually, you're still invited it you want.
sending cold thoughts your way,
losingit
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Don't you mean "Lifetime movies about teenagers gambling starring Elisha Cuthbert?" Because I think we both know that those are the best kind.
Also, Dave, just FYI. The heat wave killed my jade plant. Do you know how hard it is to kill a jade plant? Pretty fucking hard.
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Sigh... my utterly pitiful attempt at sarcastic humour has failed totally. I'll go bury my head in the sand now...
Seriously, I do know what it's like going to 90+ when it's only supposed to be 60. I'm a little bit worried about what it'll be like in August for y'all cus it's way too early for those temps you are having.
Meg: Even without a/c you can cope in the heat; a damp towel in front of the fan is the cheapest way. There are others too. Email me if you are interested.
Jess: In all seriousness: how the hell did your jade plant die? We've got 4, 1 indoor and 3 outdoor and even if they don't get watered for a week in our summer they are still fine. What the hell happened to yours?
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Okay. Found it. And only because you said "chop chop."
I think this is a nice one. It's technically a Hotel Cave and not an Apartment Cave, but I think it's nice. It's also in Turkey. I think Turkey is nice too. Maybe. In September.
http://www.greeceturkeyguide.com/hotels/cappadocia/gamirasu/
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Dave- I would have assumed sarcasm if you hadn't opened with "I'm going to be an asshole." Don't bury your head in the sand. It's okay. We forgive you.
Jess- YES. THAT IS WHAT I MEAN.
Jamelah- I like where your priorities are.
Surviving- That is so neat! Thank you.
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Cool! Kissing ass and sucking up works with you! Oops, I mean apologising :)
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If you're still interested, there's a raccoon in mama's front yard right now eating the cat food she puts out for the colony of feral kitties. Raccoon is not as fat as Astoria Fatty was, so you might have to chase him down to get the rabies. Also, mama keeps a whole fridge of beer for unexpected guests!
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Losing it- I may live far away but there ARE such things as planes, you know!
ADDU- Of course it does.
D- Mama, I am very, very interested.
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I was totally laughing at you, until this weekend when a similar thing happened to me.
I blogged my embarassment.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
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And to think that I've been searching every else on the internet for boobs hanging out of bras.
This could have been useful information, Meg.