| Oh, Lengli. Look what you've done now. |
Lengli tagged me. Normally I don't do such things, and I pretend it's because I'm all above it or I don't respond to demands like that or HEY, this blog isn't for SALE, MAN or whatever, but in reality it's because I have terrible performance anxiety and I cannot be interesting on cue nor do I pick up on things quickly. This is also, just for the record, the reason I will never be featured on Family Feud ("Things you might lose while traveling." "EPI-PEN! KIDS! BUTT VIRGINITY!" "Show me butt virginity!" "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZPERVZZZZZZZT!" "Oooh, I'm sorry. Not on the boards").
But this "meme" thing might not be so bad, because there are no rules other than you have to say six things about yourself. Yeah, I know. Everyone else did this forever ago. Wah wah. Go read something else. I never promised you a rose garden.
thing one
I have a favorite typo. It is "borken" instead of broken. When I make it, I laugh a little, but if I find that someone else has made it, I guffaw. I mean, there are lots of good typos out there- sacred/scared claiming a close second- but borken is a rare jewel. When I stumble across a borken, it makes my whole day. I'll tell just everyone. And then I never know when the joke is dead (probably because it never is, to me) and I'll be all "HA HA HA- good thing his fever borke, right? WOOO HOOOHAHAHHAHA! Um, hey- uh, my boyfriend left me with a borken hea-a-a-arrrrtthahahahahah..." like that and that's why I am unpoopular.
thing two
I box. I box at my gym. And I don't mean I take some tae-bo bastardization of a kickboxing class. I mean I engage in ring boxing where I spar with other boxers. I'm not bad either, if I do say so myself. At one point the boxing coach told me I could have a shot at the Golden Gloves if I wanted, but I'd have to train intensely for a year or so, and that would really cut into my Competitive Burping and Infomercial Watching practice. Obviously, I'm never going to be a contender. Interestingly enough, I've only been hurt twice. Both times were bloody noses. It will come as a surprise to nobody that each bloody nose was the result of me punching myself in the face accidentally. In any case, it's awesome exercise and I really like it. I hope to continue my training while I'm at school next year.
thing three
Once time, this guy approached me in a bar and gave me 200 dollars to make out with his girlfriend. It was the best job I've ever had. It's not the first time that has happened, but it was definitely the most money I'd made from one make out. I'm not really, like, a super hot girl or anything. I'm not just being modest, either. If you were to picture the person who would be approached and offered money in exchange for kissing someone, my face is not what would spring to mind. It's weird. But there you go.
thing four
I have met wonderful, amazing people because of the internet. Not so much through the cyberdating (though that's another blog story) but "meeting" people through their blogs and discovering how special and funny and fun and charming and generous and brilliant they are, and then, and THEN, actually getting to call them my friends in real life. For example, Lengli, Jess, Curly, Mindy, Kelsi, TK (and the Mrs TK, naturally), the Ursine Calamity, and dmbmeg are all people who I consider actual friends (as opposed to the rest of you, for whom I pine unrequited) and I'm just so lucky that the internet is here, because it brought them into my life. I'll say it loud and say it proud: my cyber playgroup is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
thing five
i love burned food. as i write this, i am eating some kale that i roasted in the oven. despite the inferno into which i plunged it, some of the green has stubbornly remained on the leaves. the rest is a delicious near-black. it's so freaking good. i like the dark, burned bits of bread and the overbaked cookies. I love it when i order bacon at a diner and they cook the shit out of it, and it arrives at the table blackened and extremely crispy. kelsi and i will sometimes make dinner together, and usually this meal will include (if not feature) some sort of charred cruciferous vegetable. thank god she and i have very similar eating habits, because i think roommates who share a love of the taste of ash are in short supply.
thing six
and i work seven days a week. i work during the week at the hospital, and i am a nanny on saturdays and sundays for a family in the city. sometimes i get kind of tired of working so much, but mostly i'm pretty happy, and the jobs are different enough that they provide quite a relief from one another. the other nannies in the house (because there are others, just to be clear) are prettier, trendier, and more fashionable than i am, so i thought i'd get fired early on for not fitting in. fortunately, the kids just adore me (it's mutual), and though i'm flattered, I know in my heart of hearts that it's because the trendy nannies- awesome though they may be- do not possess my ability to make up charming, spur-of-the-moment, lesson-imparting songs and games such as 'everyone eats their omelette!, 'dolls aren't just girl toys, they're for everyone,' and of course 'why we don't put brown rice in our pee-pees.' Mostly, those songs and things are an effective distraction tool and playtime activity with the kids, but I sometimes become self-conscious of my "methods" when i show up on Saturday and the mom says to me "Can you please explain the rules to the game 'Washer, Washer, Dryer?' The kids have been asking for it all week, and I'm afraid I don't know that game." Or also "Meg? Could you tell me more about the game 'Bunny Olympics?' or 'toots the toot machine?' Could you write these down when you leave? Nobody else has ever heard of them." i'm going to be an awesome mom. just you wait.
I'm not going to tag anyone because I don't wanna. OH, wait. I tag kelsi. Because she specifically asked me not to, so... there you go.Labels: babies, blogs, food, help my brain is weird, on the job |
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| 29 Comments: |
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A most excellent list! and I applaud your 'I am tagging you because you told me not to' tactic...
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I had a nanny (briefly) when I was a child and she NEVER made up fun songs and games on the spot! She did get high a lot, so that made for some fun times, but still...
Also, I like burnt food. When I make pierogies, I freakin' torch the onions.
Oh PS: I've been reading and enjoying your blog for many, many months now, but I don't think I've introduced myself and said hi, so, "hi"!
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Sadly, I don't enjoy burnt food (in fact, I was just made sad this weekend by burned pinto beans), but the numbers of people I know that do are ever-increasing! Soon, the burnt food army will multiply and conquer. Somewhere, a lone wolf cries.
I'm so honored to be your blog/real life friend! Without the interwebs, I wouldn't know the joys of crouching by fireplaces, Oliver Twist-style; I wouldn't have heard the "DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT FAKE YOUR OWN KIDNAPPING" story, and I certainly wouldn't know how to spot a potential rapist!
Love 'n' gang signs,
lengli
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Sadly > made sad?
Jiminy Crickets, someone needs to go back to school.
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I think people who have favorite typos are awesome. My favorite typo (for I am also awesome) is satin/satan. Best ever. Nothing like sleeping on satan sheets.
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uc- does that mean you would like to be tagged? something tells me that k-dog will be having none of it. she's not as intimidated by me as i'd like to believe.
lainey! hi! what a cute little picture you have there. i'm sorry your nanny was stoned to the bone all the time. but look how funny and creative it made you.
lengli- let's go back to that bar and insist on sitting by the fireplace. ps our hair isn't as cool as hers. psssssssssst- yours might be.
lengli- sadly-saddlely-made sad- maid sad!
dang, gazelle! that is such a good one! and it reminds me of satan/santa, which is also nice.
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I'm going to guess that 'toots the toot machine' has nothing to do with playing the recorder.
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thing two: I've said this before and I'll say it again--you and TK must be related. And yet you box. Is it horrible that I almost choked on my coffee imagining you a competitive boxer who was only knocked out by yourself?
thing six: Do you have a magic bag and umbrella?
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Girl on Girl action - The kryptonite to my moral fiber, now I'll need to read an entire Gospel to clear my head of that picture.
Thanks for the blog...love it.
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I love burned food, too. Sometimes I eat cigarette butts out of the ashtray. Is that weird?
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i'm taking this as a challenge, now.
(also, uc? not funny.)
you forgot thing seven, though - you are a total badass. though i suppose things one through six hint at the sum total of "badass" so it's ok.
nothing says "tough girl" like "burned food."
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Peter- And you'd be right. It's more like freeze tag. But with farting.
Anon- You are too kind.
Girl- I know. Brother from another mother for sure.
AMF- which gospel? just curious.
JB- No, that's not gross. I mean, if they're menthol it's a bit unconventional, but not gross, by any means.
K- Hooray! And i suppose that makes us both badasses, yes? Badassi.
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Oh, and girl? No magic bag. But I do have an umbrella. And after I saw that movie as a child I tied plastic shopping bags to my wrist and jumped out of a tree, convinced i could fly. Only the grace of god and lots of calcium kept me from shattering my ankles. Can you say gifted program?
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I don't know. Hard to say which Gospel better covers lust of girl on girl action.
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so... you're saying you lost your butt virginity on a camping trip?
i mean, that's cool and all, but really. on a camping trip?
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AMF- The new testament is your oyster!
JS- Who said anything about camping? And I didn't, personally. I'm old fashioned like that. I'm saving my butt virginity for marriage.
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What is with guys offering money to other girls to kiss their gfs? The same thing happened to me!!!
You are my favorite not-yet-friend-blogger, for posts like this that make me snort at work and everyone look at me.
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Yvo- we'll be real life friends before I leave, right? Because remember? we're going to dinner. Pick somewhere awesome!
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'why we don't put brown rice in our pee-pees'?
Why DON'T we put brown rice in our pee-pees? No one ever explained that to me.
Also, I still need to do this. Maybe I'll do it today.
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What is with guys offering money to other girls to kiss their gfs? The same thing happened to me!!!
I don't know what the attraction is...I've thought about it a lot. I'm a pretty white bread sort of guy in that area, and it perplexes me why men (me included) are drawn to girl on girl. It makes no biological sense to me...
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my favorite typo would be the word calm when spelt as clam..
ever have someone type to you and tell you to 'Clam down!" hahah its the best
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Mindy- I'll sing it to you. Call me. Plus, the way you wrote it, it looks like what you need to do involves brown rice and your pee pee. Fix that.
AMF- Let's not over think it.
Anon- That's such a good one! Clam down!
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My favorite typo is "thnak", as in: "thnak you for bringing humor to my day, Meg!"
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maura, that's a good one too! smart girl.
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My new favorite typo is unpoopular. It works on so many levels. Hee.
I have never been offered money to make out with another girl, but I did have a bi friend simultaneously proposition my fiance and I. It went something like "if you were ever interested in a three way, invite me, because I'd be down with that, and I haven't had sex in a while also." Um... thank? you? I guess. Cool.
My other friend accidentally invited her female friend over for a threesome on her husband's birthday, and her friend was so pissed when there were other people at the party and no sex. It was totally hilarious.
I very much want to hear all those songs, and also learn to play Washer Washer Dryer.
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i'm not going to lie- washer washer dryer is a pretty good time.
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This very moment I am gobbing down a shit ton of very CARAMELISED parsnip.
ROCK ON the burned foods.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
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A most excellent list! and I applaud your 'I am tagging you because you told me not to' tactic...