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I really wanted to tell you how deadly screwed I am, or will be, in T minus 2 weeks.
So my darling, beautiful, loving, treasured friend Fudge is getting married. I feel sorry for you all that you don't know her. I really do. She's a doll of a person. She's a fancy pants lawyer in Chicago, as is her fiance, the charming Air Bud. I enjoy them both so much and I cannot wait for the delight that will be their wedding.
Save one little thing.
So Fudge texted me the other day saying "Would you be willing to do a reading at our wedding?"
I wrote back "I'd be honored. Thank you so much!"
She said "How do you feel about the Bible?" which made me laugh, because I mostly wanted to say "It's not going to burst into flames when I touch it, if that's what you're worried about."
Instead, I just said "I feel great about it," or something to that effect. I walked around cocky as all hell for a few days before it occurred to me to actually research the passage I'll be reading. I was nervous then, because what if it was one of those "Women, submit to your man" passages of which the King James Version is so fond? I'd have to throw up mid-reading. And we already know what my friends would do.
But never fear. Here is the passage:
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Lovely, right?
Now I will post it again, bolding the parts that are going to make me dissolve into a puddle of shame-inducing giggles and cause me to become excommunicated from my friendfamily.
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Quite the girth on the ole man-god, eh? Careful with the grasping, though. It's possible to go overboard.
When I read it out loud to the Suzer, she said "So basically, Jesus comes in from both sides and hits it in the middle?"
Forever and ever, amen.Labels: friends, sex |
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| 18 Comments: |
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Hilarious!
So fitting too - most of the time in my teens and and early 20's when sitting in church bored out of my mind I was thinking about sex.
You take it a step further actually reading the bible with a dirty mind.
BRAVO!
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Blogging two days in a row? Are you okay?!
Also, I will need a video of Fudge's wedding, thanks in advance.
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Oh my gosh this made me laugh so hard. Thank you for making my Wednesday!!
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I think you should just burst into Latin during the offending portions. I recommend the following:
"Rex coelestis rex gloriae, Cristus sux rexit hodie. Plorate filii Israel, Plorate omnes virginam, et filiam Jephta unigenitam. In carmine Dolores, lamentamini. Sanctus dominus deus, sabaot. Pleini sunt coeli et terra gloria ejus. Misericordias domini, in eternam cantabo. Agnus dei, in terraca nunt angeli. Amen."
Not only will you sound super smart, cobbling together all manner of ancient latin music (even if it makes no sense), but you'll avoid laughing! Everyone wins!
And people will think you're tres smrt.
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I wish God would dick me. It's been too long since my last religious ass-pounding.
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that is surely the Holy Bone you're dealing with. nice.
and
superbee - if it's possible to say "sux rexit hodie" without laughing, then i am completely mistaken.
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God will strike you down for your blasphemy.
Sinner.
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Just make sure you include the required Beavis & butthead *heh heh heh* laugh at the most opportune moments whilst reading...
But I'm sure you are way ahead of me on that one
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At least she didn't ask you to perform an interpretive dance of the passage.
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I would lose it in the middle of the reading. I don't envy you at all!
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Just remember to breathe. You can do it! :) Oh and I'm glad you're bloggin' again!
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Um...
I'm an Australian, so I canNOT believe it took you that long to start laughing.
See, in Australia, a 'root' means a 'shag', a 'screw', a...satisfactory session of the making of the LURV.
So..."rooted in love"????
And THEN the description of his Holy Girth??
Yowsa.
Sorry (small voice) not helping.
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Jesus was clearly packing heat in his...robes...or whatever the hell he wore.
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Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha
I'm so going to hell...
Oh hey isn't your departure coming up soon? Hello!
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Moses was always jealous of Jesus' package and Skills With The Women.
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Could your friend be playing a joke on you, with that particular citation? B/c it is all about cock. I think 80% of the population would think you're describing a penis
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Tricia- I'm not the dirty one! It's the bible! Promise!
Mindy- I really, really worry about the video. Because I know she's having a videographer. Gah. I'm so nervous.
Kayleigh- Thank YOU for making MY day.
Superbee- You're the best life coach I've ever had.
JB- You and me both, baby. Are you busy May 3rd? I'll see what I can arrange.
Linus- "Jesus is for size queens" is now part of the vernacular at our house. So thanks for that.
Kelsi- I'll holy your bone.
TK- I'm taking everyone down with me!
One wanker- I'm so screwed. It won't be a demure heh heh heh. It will be a high-voiced nervous titter that won't stop. HELP.
HS- But I'm so graceful on the liturgical dance floor...
Chardsy- You are not helping.
Jill- That is good advice. And I am happy to be blogging again.
FP-I had already read about His Holy Girth on the inside of thine locker door.
Jesus- I think he wore sandals and, um, some dress thing. It was hot back then.
Yvo- You and me both. And I'm not leaving till the end of June.
SM- I know. If anyone suffers from compensation problems, it's the ole Mo.
Jason- Therein lies the problem. The other 20% haven't ever heard of penises.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
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Hilarious!
So fitting too - most of the time in my teens and and early 20's when sitting in church bored out of my mind I was thinking about sex.
You take it a step further actually reading the bible with a dirty mind.
BRAVO!