| The time I was almost violated at that restaurant once. |
On Saturday I met my friend Ladybug for dinner at some Thai restaurant in Chelsea. It was one of those three-and-a-half hour dinners where you just talk and laugh and complain and everything is right with the world. About halfway through dinner, multiple glasses of water, cups of tea, and almost a whole glass of wine, I needed to visit the restroom.
The restroom consisted of two unisex single person stalls that shared one wall. The walls were glass, but that sort of blurry glass that one finds on a shower door, or perhaps on Court TV when one wants to protect one's anonymity. I found this a little disconcerting but not overly so, as there were more pressing matters at hand.
As I was peeing, a blurry male figure in white crossed in front of me and headed into the adjoining restroom.
Ha ha, I thought. I ca-an seeee youuuuu! Oh, how awkward! Ohmygosh, oh no, I'm totally going to see this guy PEE. OR WHATEVER. I ca-an se- ohshit.
If I can see him, then logically...he...can...see...me?
I froze mid-pee.
I can't lie to you guys- I was also blowing my nose (shut up, I am a multitasker). Suddenly, I felt very aware of the fact that this guy could basically stand in his blurry stall and watch me pee in my blurry stall. I couldn't move. The tissue was still clutched to my face and, oh yeah, my ass was still plainly visible. Or at least my reallyreallyreally white upper thigh/side buttcheek combo. Kinky.
Just then, the man kind of hunched over the toilet. Oh NO, I thought. I'm totally going to have to watch this guy vomit. Oh no oh no oh NO. How awkward for us both! What an unporny turn this has taken!
I was still frozen to the seat because as yet, the man had not noticed that I was there. I don't know, maybe he had and he just didn't care, but either way I did not want to risk it. I was worried I'd stand up and he'd be startled and vomit would spray all over the blurry wall and then I'd be responsible. I had finished peeing long ago, but I just couldn't move. I figured I'd wait for him to finish going to Boot Camp, allow him to leave with dignity, and then I could sneak out.
"Poor Ladybug," I thought, picturing my dining companion alone at our rickety table. "She must be wondering what has happened to me." I vowed to always bring my cellphone to the bathroom henceforth. "Be back soon," I'd text. "Man in next stall barfing- don't want to move. He might see me. Let's get dessert xoxo"
Lost in my reverie, I almost missed it when my nauseous friend changed positions yet again. He had yet to actually vomit and I saw him scoot closer to the toilet bowl and bend over a little further. "He's still kind of high up there," I thought. "I mean, his aim is right on, but he's totally going to get splashback." I am an experienced vomiter, you see.
Then it happened.
His right hand began pumping furiously back and forth in front of his crotch. InOutInOutInOutInOut. He placed his left hand on the blurry wall to brace himself and continued to jerk his right in front of him. His body was angled away from me slightly, but I had all the information I needed to figure out what he was doing.
Oh. My. God. I was watching someone have a wank in the bathroom of a Thai restaurant WHILE I peed and there was nothing I could do about it and NOBODY TO TELL!
Should I get up and leave the bathroom? I mean, Jesus Christ, I don't think he'd noticed me thus far. What if I got up and the movement distracted him and he jizzed on the blurry glass wall or something? I mostly just wanted to fade into the background and not alert this man to the fact that I had witnessed him having some intimate time with his Private Square. Also, poor me! Violated! I am a victim!
The man was now leaning up against the blurry glass, moving his hand faster than ever. If I squinted (which I was obviously doing) I could actually see his hand flying around. And then, just as I was noting how odd it was that his skin was olive and yet his palm was SO white, it hit me.
The man had spilled something on his pants and had been trying furiously to wipe it off the whole time. The white I saw was a paper towel that he had been using to dab at his trousers.
And if I wasn't embarrassed BEFORE, I most certainly was NOW because oh my god, I'm the dirtiest! THE. DIRTIEST. I had to get the hell out of there.
Now the trick became getting my pants back on without mooning this messy messy man. Perhaps if I moved super duper slowly he wouldn't even realize I was there. I was envisioning myself creeping cross the bathroom, trying not to sweat, like in that scene from Sneakers (anyone?) but I think I got bored halfway through and just pulled myself together really quickly. As I was buttoning my jeans, I saw a light switch on the wall that I'd somehow missed before. It occurred to me that maybe this little Thai restaurant had a bathroom lighting scheme similar to Bar 89 in Soho. Yes, of course! That had to be it.
See, at Bar 89, the bathrooms are transparent glass and very nerve-wracking at first, because it seems like people are totally going to be able to see you do your business. BUT when you flip the light switch, the walls are illuminated and become opaque. It's a miracle and still mildly uncomfortable for everyone!
I figured that this was a similar situation, because why else would a restaurant have such odd see through ish walls on their bathrooms? I just didn't do my part, is all. I confidently strode over to the switch and flipped it...
...plunging both myself and the guy I accused of masturbating but who was really only a slob like me (kindered spirits) into total darkness.
Ah. Well. There you go.
If he didn't know I was there before, he's certainly figured it out now.
I had no choice but to turn the lights back on, wash my hands, and run away, all the while trying my best not to turn my head to the right or allow him a glimpse of my face. I was horrifically embarrassed. I recounted the tale for Ladybug back at the table (and she'd had the presence of mind to order dessert- huzzah!) and she laughed and told me it wasn't my fault, I hadn't done anything wrong, and I believed her because she is so nice and sweet, but then when I told the Suzer nonchalantly about what happened to me, she started laughing and interrupted me to say "Wait, wait. Why did you turn the lights OFF? Why did you convince yourself that you were incapable of discerning light and dark? Dude, what is wrong with you?"
"You weren't THERE," I countered. "You don't know what it was LIKE."
I told Kelsi what had happened the next day, and she fell apart at about the same place the Suzer had. "You turned the lights off? To make him not notice you? What? Why would THAT work?"
It was time for me to accept that perhaps Ladybug was just sparing my feelings, and in fact I had pulled yet another bonehead move involving the potty, sexual misfires, and restaurants.
I'm nothing if not predictable, I guess...
Labels: accidents, barfing, help my brain is weird, i'm kind of a jerk, inappropriateness, potty humor |
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| 13 Comments: |
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Aw, linus totally stole my line.
But that's OK, because I love you for the Sneakers reference. Redford, Ackroyd, Poitier, Phoenix... Goddamn.
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OMG, I love you. And unisex bathrooms?!? Ewww!!!
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I think the polite thing to do would have been to offer up a little sexy talk, you know, just in case it was needed.
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Good golly that was intense. Talk about potentially awkward situations. Chic design needs to take a backseat to function sometimes, and that bathroom's construction should've been one of them.
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Having spent a whole day at a farm in Queens with Ladybug, I can confidently say that she was sparing your feelings. You are ridiculous. And I love that about you!
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"I was also blowing my nose (shut up, I am a multitasker). "
You, are. hilarious.
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I thought you were going to say you had made another boner - like this.
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First-visitor and what a post to start out with! This is beyond hilarious and 8 shades of awesome, so thanks for that!
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Also, if "Hobocamp" is a reference to "Strangers with Candy" I might pee my pants a little.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I almost lost it when he began moving in/out and then I DID lose it when you said he was cleaning his pants. What I don't get is why he'd brace himself on the wall, but I guess I'm just a weirdo who just bends over to peer at her crotch when she's spilled something on it.
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This post made me cringe. Several times. In a good, sort of "wow I'm so glad I wasn't there but that someone else was so I could at least hear the story" kind of way. I love New York. And for the record, those wacko bathrooms with the light switches that magically hide you freak me out.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
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