| It's a jungle out there. |
I left the house a little after five this morning, ipod already blaring and so bundled that only the tip of my nose and my eyes were exposed to the still morning air. I'm not going to lie, I get a strange, serene enjoyment out of being the only one awake and moving about at that hour (in my neck of the woods at least). I trundle through Queens, my head angled up, convincing myself that I can see stars. I usually stop and get an extra hot americano because I like to drink things that burn a little bit on the way down. If I tear up, it's a good cup of coffee. Walking to work in the dark halcyon of early day may be as close as I come to successfully meditating.
Today though, my morning routine was interrupted the moment that I walked out the door.
My noisy exodus-- in its bustle of adjusting, zipping, slamming, jingling-- interrupted what appeared to be a large cat digging in the garbage set out for collection in front of our house. As I got closer and the cat slowly lumbered to the other side of the garbage pile instead of skittering away, I became a little suspicious. Finally I leaned over to open our stocky little front gate and came face-to-face with the cat. Or, face-to-butt rather.
You bold little thing, I thought to myself. You're not even scared of me. Who owns you? You are very used to people, and you are super chubs, so I don't think you're a stray. Why, what a stripey tail you have, fat cat! It's so bushy! And your fur is really, really thick. Um. Hey. Your ears look weird. An-and my, what strange paws you have...and...I've never really seen a cat with such a rounded back- can cats have scoliosi- HOLYFUCKINGGOD THAT'S A RACCOON!
I backed up so fast I almost fell over. My little masked friend finally turned fully around and kind of raised up on his back legs. He didn't look upset or like he was about to attack me or anything, he was merely confused as to why I had interrupted his Garbage Meal. For the record, I'm not just being mean. He was super duper chunky monkey. Like this, no joke:
Fatty-fat-fat-fat, right? Enormous.
The raccoon decided that I wasn't too much of a threat and rolled itself off of its haunches so it could better eat trash. But it repositioned itself kind of in front of the gate meaning that I WAS TRAPPED IN OUR FRONT "YARD" BY AN OBESE RACCOON. What to do? What to do? How can I get out of here?
Here are the solutions I thought of that seemed totally viable at 5 oh whatever this morning:
1) Vault over the gate, jump over the raccoon and run for the train (Ha. I have yet to be that athletic ever)
2) Wait for him to waddle away (Nor that patient)
3) Yell at it so it got scared and moved (My voice was frozen in my throat)
4) Throw something near it (not at it) so it would get all startled and run off (I didn't have anything to throw! And what if it bit me while I was going through my bag, deciding which lip gloss or pen or pack of gum mattered the least to me?)
5) Go back inside, as I am obviously not meant to work today, because there is a Furious Beast in front of my house.
I guess I took too long making my decision, because Sir John CandyCoon got tired of waiting around and started waddling home, leaving me free to go to work (damn). All too late, I remembered my need for a lovebite or two from a wild animal. I followed him to see where he was going in case I wanted to, as the Suzer suggested, slather my hand in peanut butter and offer it to him at a later date.
I had no problem tracking the creature (even with my crack hunting skills! which aren't real!) because he was so overweight, his raccoon tummy dragged on the ground and he had to stop a lot, presumably to have a smoke and catch his breath. Eventually, he went up the stairs next to the house on the right of mine and disappeared into an alley. I had no choice except to head in to work.
I haven't given up on getting him to bite me, though. He seems like a reasonable raccoon. Perhaps I can negotiate with him- he won't bite me hard enough to hurt, and I will provide him with a week's worth of bacon. Just like Mother Nature intended.Labels: on the homefront |
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| 20 Comments: |
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"can cats have scoliosi"
Love it.
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream about a raccoon running into my bedroom. Except it was a Webkinz stuffed animal raccoon. Still, he didn't seem to like me much. He glared at me and then ran under my bed. At which point, Dream Peter decided "Fuck it. I got better things to do." and ignored him.
I apparently didn't have a point.
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I was giggling so loudly at this post my co-workers had to ask what was so funny.
I also imagined you as Shelley Long in The Money Pit running around screaming with a 'coon attached to your neck.
I then went on youtube to find a clip of this, only to find other scenes from The Money Pit which made me laugh even harder.
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When I was a kid, I used to think the raccoons near our house were adorable, and used to feed them crackers by hand. My father was not amused.
I now have a beautiful image of a Michelin-man-sized Meg cautiously tracking the world's fattest raccoon with a jar of peanut butter and a tube of lip gloss. Which is, like, the best image ever.
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tk-
you forgot to add she would be making kissy noises at the thing.
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Good luck with that rabies thing. I'm rooting for you!
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Arrggghhhh, so close to rabies, yet so far!!! I have to say, though, that racoon had some pretty big racoon balls... When I was living in PA and you saw one, they'd freak and haul ass. Unless they had rabies. In which case, YOU would haul ass.
Anyways, sorry you couldn't get bitten. Maybe he'll come back tomorrow. Leave some good garbage out for him.
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And what if it bit me while I was going through my bag, deciding which lip gloss or pen or pack of gum mattered the least to me?
Meg, a lip gloss that DOESN'T MATTER? Are we even friends?
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I can has light?
..and like five minutes to catch my breath here? fughetaboutit.
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PDW- Can you get WebKinz Ray-beez? One of those Zs is backwards, you understand.
meggles- that was only moments from happening, I'm sure. I really wish i could have outrun that fat fuck.
TK- when my friend Mia was a kid, her dad used to tell her that raccoons will eat your eyeballs like cherries.
dmb- guilty!
jamelah- add me to your prayers list.
LosingIt-yeah, he was cocky as hell. he probably has very few predators here, as there aren't a ton of strays running around. Plus he has unlimited access to garbage buffet every night. It's the Raccootopia. you know?
Mindy- Matters LEAST. I said which one matters LEAST. And the answer is, obviously, the carmex. Because that's hardly even a gloss. It's really a balm. And a mentholated one at that. I mean. I GUESS it is glossy, in appearance, but the gloss isn't a nice texture, nor does it do much to enhance one's pout. And we all know I'm nothing without pout.
Hexie- he was such a funny looking little thing too. I wanted to put a bib on him and push him around in a baby carriage. While we both got rabies.
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Oh no, please don't get bitten and get rabies! It may seem like a good idea but in between bite time and rabies shots time you will be wild and scary.
Plus the city will track down your friend Mr. Fatty and kill him for biting you. I think.
I'm being a buzzkill. Ok, here's a raccoon story. When I went camping with my family when I was 9, raccoons broke into our food supply during the night and ate everything. So we had to cut the trip short. SCORE!
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HS- It might do my reputation some good, you know. I mean, sure, i've gotten pretty far with this whole short-stumpy-confused-accident-prone-gum-in-hair-pen-on-face-worst-seductress-ever thing, or whatever. But WILD? And Scary?? Like scary spice? She got a baby from Eddie Murphy! exotic!
Long live Mr Fatty!
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I actually had a raccoon as a pet when I was a kid. Guess how fat they get on cat food! Answer for those who can't wait, is VERY!!!
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hahaaa...number one seems reasonable.
And for the record, my mom had a pet raccoon....
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Toadely- That made me laugh.
CTS- So did my aunt mimi! And she kept squirrels in the pockets of her bathrobes. She was kind of weird, but a lovely, caring lady.
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I think reading this at work is dangerous to the health of my having a job...
I was totally expecting this to end with "And that's how I got rabies." I was almost excited for you in this sick and twisted way since, well, rabies is awful, but you said you wanted it! You SAID you wanted it!
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My boss just yelled at me because I laughed so loud! damn raccoons!
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So much chubs. So much chubs.
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FUNNNNY! Its amazing how they are not only not afraid of people but defiant. I'm not moving, no sirreeee, not me!
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Yvo- Man, I wish...
LTMC- THey are tricky little buggers.
SO@24- I know. He was really pretty cute.
V-diddy- I'm from Missouri, and I have never seen a raccoon this big, ever. It was unreal.
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I used to spend my summers in the Catskills, see, and I'm pretty sure that given this raccoon's paunch, he's the same not-so-wee fella who stole my father's pack of Benson & Hedges cigarettes and then managed to open and guzzle an entire bottle of apple juice.
I see he lives in Queens now.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
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"can cats have scoliosi"
Love it.
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream about a raccoon running into my bedroom. Except it was a Webkinz stuffed animal raccoon. Still, he didn't seem to like me much. He glared at me and then ran under my bed. At which point, Dream Peter decided "Fuck it. I got better things to do." and ignored him.
I apparently didn't have a point.