| I'm Not America's Next Top Model |
Does anyone else have that disease where your brain randomly regurgitates really embarrassing memories years after they happen at terribly inopportune times? Like you'll be standing in line at the coffee shop at work and then you'll suddenly remember the time you ran in to the bathroom just before class ended because you COULD NOT WAIT ONE MOMENT LONGER and then you heard someone come in and leave and you finally came out of the stall after having peed for, like, ten minutes only to find that it wasn't that someone came in and left, but someone came in and then ANOTHER someone came in and HOLY JESUS THEY ARE BOTH MEN! YOU ARE IN THE MEN'S ROOM! HOW DID YOU EVER MISS THAT, DIPSHIT!? And then as you're frantically trying to plan your escape from the stall, you can decide no other course of action than to throw open the door and run as fast as you can from the stall in the hopes that Life Will Mimic Art and you will maybe just appear as a blurry, cartoony, mystery whirl of a person who will stir up dust and papers in her wake and the men would be all "Who WAS that?" so, confident in your plan, you crack open the door, all ready to run, and then you stop dead in your tracks, paralyzed because 50% of the two men at the urinals is your favorite professor and the other 50% is your latest Intellectual Crushy Crusherson, and your brain, which was so damned proud of itself for coming up with the Run Like Hell plan, has just yelled "Fuck me!" and jumped ship, so you are forced to go on autopilot and the only thing you can think of to do is to wave frantically and yell "HELLO, BOYS!" and then stalk out of the men's bathroom- and not fast enough either- and then, of course, skip the next class as it is taught by Professor McFavorite and he thinks you probably have a penis tucked in there somewhere? And this all comes rushing back to you as you are trying to pay for your coffee so you just end up tossing your two dollars on the counter and running away in a ferociously blushing, coffee-dribbling mess back to your office without waiting for your change?
Yeah. Me neither.Labels: accidents, help my brain is weird, potty humor |
|
| 11 Comments: |
-
I think that you, of all people, should make extra sure to go before leaving home.
-
Uhm, I think I love you... because that just had me dying. And yes, I DO THAT ALL THE DAMN TIME. I hate it. A lot. Gah. I thought I was alone in this.
-
-
I'm stuck at work on a Saturday and this totally made my day. Bwahahahaha!
-
The thing is--you're too smart and adorable to be ANTM. Well, and short.
-
OMG, I adore you. I just adore you!
-
oh, totally. only i usually *also* tell whoever it is i'm dealing with (the person serving me coffee, the customer at work, whatevs) "i'm so sorry, i didn't pay any attention to what you just said because i was busy being embarrassed about something i did 5 years ago."
which doesn't help the situation.
besides, gender boundaries in public bathrooms are waaaaaaaay overrated. if you walked in and didn't immediately think "jesus god this place is filthy" then the men clearly weren't doing a good enough job marking territory and you're off the hook in terms of having to identify which bathroom it was.
right?
-
You REALLY need to get some film crew to follow you around for a month or so. You would either end up totally rich and famous or totally embarrassed. Either way, it'd be fun for the viewers :)
-
Actually, no. Because when they have the coffee and it is not yet in my hand, all my brain can do is think "coffeecoffeecoffee," and there is no room for reminiscing until later when I've already spilled some on my shirt.
I had this plan once to take some of the lightly-damaged shirts and leave them overnight in a pan of coffee for consistency, but someone talked me out of it along the way. I believe the phrase "you're not normal" might have come up.
Oh, and that bit with the Women's Room in that club in Minneapolis? I blame the tequila. And apparently the signs weren't up that night. Also, I figured maybe they hadn't discovered urinals out there yet.
-
PdW- I do! I always do!
Deutlich- As long as I am here, you are never alone in humiliation.
Fathima- As usual, you are a comfort to me.
Manny- I live to serve.
Mindy- I'm short?
Andi- I love you too!
Kelsi- They were english. Does that make a difference?
ADDU- I'm not a gambler. I want guaranteed fame and fortune.
Linus- I was there last weekend. Boys still pee in coffee cans.
-
OOOOO I know this one welll.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
See my profile...
|
|
|
|
|
background by tayler
TackODing font
|
|
I think that you, of all people, should make extra sure to go before leaving home.