| Who Doesn't Eat A Little Bone Now And Then? |
When I got home from work tonight, Sassy was lounging in the living room watching Family Guy. I think I was making some coffee or tea or something when I heard him chuckling to himself from his boudoir pose on the sofa.
"What's so funny?"
"Oh, Henner."
"Ah. I don't know what that means."
"Yes you DO. Our exchange student! The one my family hosted in high school? You remember. I've told you about him. He lived in our house!"
"Ohhh! Henner Deutsch!"
"YES." Sassy was truly offended, having forgotten that we did not always live together and as such we don't share entirely the same memory bank.
Sassy began to reminisce. He reminded me of two really, really wonderful stories about Henner Deutsch, who I don't think reads this blog but Henner, if you do, and you would rather stay anonymous, e-mail me and I will quick make up an alias for you. And it won't be John America, which is what Sassy and his family called you behind your back.
Anyway, here are the stories. Just for you. Because you are special, and Sassy and I want you to know you're loved.
1) Shortly after Henner Deutsch's arrival in the US, he became preoccupied with the idea of dreadlocks. He studied them, coveted them, and eventually asked his host mom (Mrs. Sass) if he could get them. Not one to deny a foreign exchange student his dream, Mrs. Sass loaded Henner into the car and drove him into the fanciest salon and spa in Milwaukee- Impressions. (Sassy later worked at Impressions as a very popular receptionist. It was at Impressions where his career of day spa hostessing took flight.)
Undaunted by the task of creating dreadlocks on a scalp formerly occupied by Standard White Boy Hair And European Styling Product, the Impressions staff artfully concocted beautiful White Guy dreadlocks for Henner in a matter of mere hours.
Henner LOVED his dreads. Loved them. Loved them so much that he insisted on hanging his head out the car window on the ride home so he could feel the air on his still-drying gluey strands. They rode all the way home like that, only to make kind of a sad discovery upon their arrival.
It was autumn in Wisconsin, which is a beautiful time. Nobody can blame Henner for wanting to dangle his freshly dreaded head in the clean Midwestern air. However, perhaps someone should have cautioned him to wait a moment or two. Because you see, the leaves and grit tossing spritely around like so many references to American Beauty, whilst enjoyable to observe, became somewhat of a menace as they lodged themselves in Henner's sticky head.
By the time he got home, he looked like he was playing the role of Fall in a community theatre interpretive dance production. Dead leaves sprouted from his ropey weave and dirt clung to the glue residue on his forehead. After a lot of photos, the Sasses tried to remove the leaves and shit from Henner's head, but unfortunately, it was not to be. Nature had embedded itself in his freshly knotted dreadlocks. Mrs Sass had to cut some of them out.
Tragique, non?
2) One night, Mrs Sass had cooked up a chicken for dinner, like the good little Midwestern mama that she is. After the meal, Mrs Sass was clearing everyone's plates and she noticed that, unlike the rest of her family, Henner's was devoid of bones.
"Henner," she asked, puzzled. "Where are the bones?"
Henner smiled slowly and rubbed his stomach. "Mmmm," he said.
Dear Henner Deutsche.
If you are a loyal reader of this blog, and you don't mind sleeping on a futon in Queens, I would really, really, REALLY like to invite you to come live with us for a while. Because I am jealous that I cannot claim these stories as my own, and I'd like to beef up my repertoire.
No need to BYO bones, either. I'll take care of everything.
Just think about it.
Love always,
Meg
Your host sister.Labels: childhood, food, friends, germans eat bones, memories |
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| 10 Comments: |
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"he looked like he was playing the role of Fall in a community theatre interpretive dance production."
*slow clap*
True story. My family sucks the marrow out of the bones. For reals.
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Because you see, the leaves and grit tossing spritely around like so many references to American Beauty, whilst enjoyable to observe, became somewhat of a menace as they lodged themselves in Henner's sticky head.
I adore this sentence for so many reasons, I do not know where to begin.
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Previous commenters picked out my two favourite parts already.
So, I'll throw you a general "Well crafted!"
Dude ate the bones?
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Eating bones. Yep, eating bones.
I am so not going there.
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TK- Lots of people do that. In fact, I debated with myself about actually posting this because it seemed somewhat culturally insensitive considering how many people are more adept than we are in terms of utilizing resources. However. He said MMMMMMMM which made me laugh and also? Never feed your dogs chicken bones the end.
Star- I wish we had a photo of this that we could scan. Truly, my imagination is running wild.
PdW- Mmmmmmmmm
Linus- GOOD. You are rugged enough as is. No need to push the envelope.
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I want a Henner of my very own.
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Fraulein- I will send him to you after his time in NY.
Jamelah- like peanuts, except bones.
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It seems to me that Germans will eat just about anything.
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Hi Sassy, Impressions hasn't been the same without you. Henner was so cute. Stop in when you are in town. Love, your favorite boss
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
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"he looked like he was playing the role of Fall in a community theatre interpretive dance production."
*slow clap*
True story. My family sucks the marrow out of the bones. For reals.