| Here are two things that have happened this week. |
1) The other day I was walking behind a coworker of mine, and I don't think she knew I was there. I almost called out to her-- because, you know, I am loud as hell-- but I stopped myself because she was engaging in an odd little behavior. She kept digging in the right pocket of her sweater, grabbing a pawful of something, and sprinkling it surreptitiously on the ground. As she rounded the corner, she stole a glance over her shoulder and gasped when she saw me. "What are you up to, Gretel?" She stammered "I-ah- ah. Um. Wait. Come in the bathroom with me."
"Really? Are we going to tell secrets?"
"Shut up. I'm serious. Come here."
She pulled me into the staff potty, and locked the door. I was convinced we were about to have some sort of Lifetime Movie moment like in 15 And Pregnant when the girl pulls down her pants, realizes she has her period, and goes "Whew!" Instead, she turned her sweater pocket inside out and I was slapped in the face with the unmistakable aroma of really dank weed. The pocket of her black wool sweater was freckled and puckered with not-small bits of marijuana.
"What the hell?" I asked.
My coworker was almost in tears. "I guess I hadn't worn this sweater in a while. I didn't notice that the pocket had weed nuggets in it until I got to work!"
"Oh. Well. That's kind of funny."
"NO it IS NOT. What am I going to do?"
"Jesus, don't worry. It's no big deal. Either take off the sweater or dump out the pocket."
"Well, I didn't want everyone to see me doing that!"
"Don't you watch TV? People are always flushing drugs down the toilet. It's cool. You could have done that."
"No, I just keep getting rid of it, bit by bit."
"Wait- hold the phone. Is that what you were doing when you were walking down the hall? Were you sprinkling it on the ground?"
"Well, YEAH! I don't want to be all obvious and leave a giant clump of it someplace!"
"So you left a trail of weedcrumbs leading to you instead."
"No, I just wanted to scatter the evidence. I've been walking all through the hospital, dropping little bits on the ground. I don't want to get fired, Meg."
Which is, I suppose, a fair enough end to an argument. Either way, we eventually had to emerge from the bathroom together, which of course occurred just as a team of physicians was strolling by on their way to the ORs. We didn't try to explain, though I did attempt to communicate telepathically with a hot one by saying "I WAS NOT ENGAGING IN ANYTHING ODD IN HERE. LOVE ME!" in my head as he walked by. I think it took.
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2) Yesterday I got my junk waxed, which I do with some regularity. But because it is Spa Week here in NY, I decided to try a fancy new salon for a cheap low price. The lady was really good, and super nice, and the whole ordeal was over lickety-split. My junk still was totally sore, though, and I'd like to think that's why it took me so long to notice what was wrong with this picture:
My vagina was glued shut.
It was all fused. It was the weirdest sensation ever, and once I figured out what it was that was making my downtown feel so funny, I laughed out loud. I immediately got out my phone and sent this text message to my friends:
Just got a bikini wax. I think she glued my vagina shut. Modern day chastity belt, I suppose.
My friends wrote back the following:
The irony! Look hot when you take your pants off, but you can't do anything about it. (kelsi)
Stick some googly eyes on it and call it vagaween! (the suzer)
Vagaween made me laugh so hard that I dropped my phone. I bent over to pick it up and on the way back to Standing Upright somehow found the only low-hanging tree bough in New York City, and I cracked the back of my head on it, which surprised me so much (because I thought I was being mugged) that I dropped my phone again, and my purse, and the tourists behind me couldn't even pretend to hide their laughter. Their conversation went like this:
"I can't believe how expensive that deli was! At home, a sandwich like that would only be, you know, like three dollars maybe. How do they get away with chargi- Oh my GOSH LOOK AT THAT GIRL HAHAHAHAHAHA Miss, are you oka-HAHAHAHAHA! I can't believe it! Ohhh, wow. She really hit her head hard. Whoooooooooooooooo!"
Overhearing the tourists made me laugh some more, so I was pretty much a right crazy mess, stumbling down fifth avenue while simultaneously laughing, texting, and deep lunging in a hands-free effort to liberate my loins. My head did hurt a bit, though, so I reached up to rub it and immediately recoiled at the sticky wetness that greeted my hand.
"Shit," I thought. "I split my head open on that stupid branch."
I'm not really squeamish about blood, and my head didn't hurt THAT badly, so I only somewhat braced myself before looking at the mess on my fingers.
What I saw there made me gasp out loud (GOL). For instead of blood, or tissue, or bone fragments, my hand was befouled by:
pigeon shit.
The timing is amazing.
The end.
PS- My vagina is totally fine now.Labels: accidents, friends, on the job, silly |
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| 17 Comments: |
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OMG. Please, please, PLEASE tell me there is a video of #2 on YouTube somewhere. :D You fucking kill me. :)
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you didn't ever tell me how hot the suzer is. or, um, chest mounted.
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Workplace intrigue, illicit drugs, shaven vaginas, unexpected blows to the head, animal feces... this post had it all. You're like a much cuter version of Hunter S. Thompson. ;-)
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1) Uhm... I'm still confused as to why she didn't flush it all immediately.
2) I can't even imagine a comment that would do justice to a story that features: "My vagina was glued shut."
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1) I'm happy to know that if I ever find myself in the possession of illicit drugs I can just call you for advice.
2) Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something....don't skimp on something that involves your vagina.
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Ah, you make my life *so* much more fun... although I'm not sure about deep lunges being the best cure for glued-together and sore downstairs parts! Ouch! Besides, googley eyes seems a much more amusing way to go.
I think the star is right: cuter version of Hunter S Thompson. Awesome. :-)
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Maxie- who knows. Tourists video EVERYTHING. give it a week.
kelsi- she doesn't like me to brag
star- Waxed! not shaven. waxed. and that may have been the best compliment ever
pdw- 1) right? and 2)i'm a real trailblazer
mindy- 1) i'm your girl. and 2)but it was SO CHEAP. at a place that is normally SO FANCY. my vag is a practical gal.
WP- see, i was in such a public (pubic) forum, I had limited options in terms of rectifying my sticky situation. Lunges were my only idea!
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Did anyone else get reminded of that scene in Boogie Nights where the girls are like "Lets NEVER LEAVE THIS ROOM AGAIN!!!"
Classic stuff. Glad Vageween isn't cancelled.
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1. Once I found a bunch of weed between the seats of my car. I had no idea how it got there (I had theories, though, because I was hanging out with a lot of potheads at the time), but I just kept it.
2. I can't even think of an appropriately inappropriate response to that. But I somehow managed not to laugh out loud until I got to the pigeon shit part, but by then it was obvious that this was such a perfect storm of incredibleness. The universe, it is such a trickster.
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I... I...
I'm utterly speechless. You win. Do you hear me? You win.
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Hexie- Vagaween is eternal.
Jamelah- 1)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IoCGpP1FSM
2) Gosh, such a sense of humor on that one.
TK- That implies that this is over, and we both well know it isn't.
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wait... wait... why is suzer's name linked to, um, squirrels on ebay? i'm afraid to click it bc i'm at work.
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Oh my god, I can barely type this because I'm laughing so hard and tears are streaming down my face! Thank you for brightening up my lackluster week!
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Oh damn. Weedcrumbs. VAGAWEEN. Hee, Vagaween!
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yvo- don't worry, it's just because the suzer doesn't have a blog, and she is somewhat obsessed with taxidermy squirrels. I now am too, actually. it is fascinating and terrifying.
ADDU- not for free.
Andi- my vagina and I are here to please
Fraulein N- The suzer may be the funniest person I know.
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Once I found 10 tabs of acid in my jacket pocket. I didn't want to flush them so I ate them all at once. I've never been the same since.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
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OMG. Please, please, PLEASE tell me there is a video of #2 on YouTube somewhere. :D You fucking kill me. :)