| I am ex lax. |
My freshman year of college, all of my final exams and presentations were clumped together at the end of the two-week final period. It sucked. I had like five tests in two days.
But my friend Anita had all of her exams at the beginning of the two week period, and instead of going home early or taking a trip or something, she went on an awesome two week bender and just stumbled around, drunk and high, asking everyone to play with her. Naturally, I never could because I'm compulsive and obsessed with good grades, but others could and did join her in her fortnight of revelry.
God, I was jealous.
On the day before my very last test, Anita came in to my room, high as a kite, and flopped herself down on the bed that was formerly occupied by my batshit crazy roommate (who had gone home about a week earlier). She looked up at me, smiled foggily and said "Meg, pleeeeeeeeaaaaassse come out and play. Please. You've worked enough."
"Anita. I can't. Go find the suzer."
"I lost her. She's missing."
"Oh, sorry about that. But I really have to get some work done."
"I'm really. Really. Really. Hungry."
I sighed and looked around. It is ZERO fun being the sober girl when all of your drunk and stoned friends are frolicking in the sunshine.
"Hey. I was going to clean out my fridge later. You can help yourself to whatever you find in there."
"Seriously? Thank you."
She rolled herself off the bed and parked in front of the fridge to snack for a bit. I went back to my work and a little bit forgot that she was there. Then she climbed back on the bed and took a nap.
About twenty minutes later, she woke up moaning.
"Jeeeeeesus christ. My stomach hurts!"
"Oh no! What's wrong?"
"I don't know. It hurts so much. I'm dying."
"Are you okay?"
"Nooooooo!" She clutched her stomach and rolled to her side.
"Anita. What the hell? Do you hurt anywhere else?"
"No, just my stomach! It's so crampy!"
Suddenly something occurred to me. "Anita, did you eat any of the pudding that was in my fridge?"
"Yes. You said I could!"
"Did you forget that you're lactose intolerant?"
"...Pudding has lactose?"
"YES. A shit ton of it!"
"God dammit."
"How much did you eat?"
"All of it. I think six cups total."
"Oh, no wonder you're hurty. What did you think was in pudding if it wasn't lactose?"
"Sugar? Ughghghhhhhh...."
"Have you eaten anything else today?"
"Yeah...two grilled cheese sandwiches, two milkshakes, a latte....and a ton of cheese."
"So you've eaten nothing but lactose all day."
"Yes. And now I'm going to die!"
"You are going to blow your ass out is what's going to happen."
Anita leaned back and stared at her wounded stomach. Before our very eyes, the bloat that was her body's response to the offensive dairy overload seemed to swell and stretch over the waistband of her pants. She looked up at me plaintively.
"Meg, I need you."
"I'm right here, Anita. What can I do for you? Want some Pepto?"
"Push down my bloat. Push it back into my body."
I felt like we were in Nam and I was going to have to dig the bullet out of her leg or suck her rattlesnake bite poison or something. Except this was a way worse idea.
"No fucking way."
"Please, Meg. Please. I just want it back in..." She reached up and grabbed my hands and slowly started lowering them to her stomach. I resisted, tipping back on my heels.
"Anita! No chance! You have got to be kidding me."
"But you're my friend! You have got to do this for me!" She pulled even harder, not letting go of my wrists. I planted my feet and pulled back as hard as I could. Now, at this point, my balance was so off that if I were her I would have let me go and watched me fly back and land on my ass. But she's nicer than me, plus she had different concerns at the time.
"DO IT!" Anita tugged sharply with strength that must have been woken up by the angry lactose. I lost my battle and toppled on to her, my hands landing with all of my body weight just below her belly button. I remember feeling her navel ring with my finger.
Her eyes widened immediately and she gave a little "oof!" Then she looked up at me and started laughing and crying simultaneously.
Flustered, I righted myself as quickly as possible and then looked at her, concerned. "Jesus. Are you okay? I'm so sorry. Why did you pull me like that??"
No answer, just some more laughing and crying, which- by the by- makes one look insane instantly.
"Are you okay? I'm so so sorry! Did I hurt you? Anita, talk to me!"
"No, you didn't hurt me. But this isn't your bed, right?"
"Right."
"Good, because I just pooped my pants a little bit."
I was stunned. Never before had I forcibly shoved shit out of a friend's intestine. I wasn't sure of the protocol in place for this one.
"You seriously just pooped in front of me?"
Still crying and laughing, Anita said "Yes, but I'm not sorry. I feel so much better."
"Well...good, I guess."
"What should I do?"
"Can you get up and go to your own room and change?"
"I guess."
"If you do, I'll come with you to the quad to study and hang out."
"This is the worst day of my life. I can't believe you made me poop my pants."
"You MADE me make you!"
"That is not what I'm going to tell everybody."
"How are you possible going to spin you pooping yourself to make me look like the bad guy?"
"I CAN DO IT!''
"Call me later."
"Okay. Bye."Labels: accidents, friends, inappropriateness |
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| 8 Comments: |
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If I had to choose one word for this story, that word would, without question, be: Superawesomeriffic! Yes, I will create a new word, because this story was that good.
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God that was a good day. I'm pretty sure that the general plague of incontinence enjoyed that week was rivaled only by the parallel week our senior year when a trampoline was thrown into the mix.
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"Push down my bloat. Push it back into my body....WITH MY DICK!"
funny story, but that makes it 16 times funnier. i'm just sayin'.
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This is pretty much the most brilliant thing I've read all day. "Push down my bloat" made me choke on my icy cold beverage.
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that is one awesome story. kinda reminds me of the time i made my friend laugh when he was drinking water and snot-water came out his nose and into the bowl of tapioca he was eating. true story.
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I've seen some very good comedy writing, this one's one of the best. Once at Christmas dinner at my in-.laws, somthing funny was said that made my brother laugh so hard that he farted. It made the whole table (20 of us) pause and go silent. Then I pointed at him and started to laugh more. I had tears!
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soda just came out of my nose because of the laughter.
thank you. really.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
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If I had to choose one word for this story, that word would, without question, be: Superawesomeriffic! Yes, I will create a new word, because this story was that good.