Hobocamp

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

A letter from my brain to my body- let's listen in!

Dear Body,

I'm really, really sorry about the events that have transpired over the past day. I've let you down in a couple of pretty ~~funny~~ serious ways, and the resulting injuries have made me realize that just because getting hurt is A-OK on jackass, it's not okay in real life.

Also, I have to understand that I don't suffer things the same way that you do, so it's not fair of me to make irresponsible choices on behalf of both of us. (Although, to be fair, there are things that hurt me that you will never never understand, and plus I keep reliving them, over and over up here, episodically...like that time we were in that big departmental cardiac research meeting and we overheard one of the doctors talking about Chippendales and we jumped in, eager to share and belong, and retold the story of the time we went to that strip club in Atlantic City and what oily men they had there! How awkward and funny! And then as the room grew deafeningly silent, we realized that the doctor had been describing the Chip And Dale picture that his daughter drew in kindergarten, and we had just taken it to a seedy and unflattering level...sometimes, we relive that one in the middle of the night...and then Meg wakes up blushing- good times!)

But I digress. This is about you, and how I've neglected you lately.

So you know yesterday, when we were making that kick-ass fresh salsa? The kind with onion and garlic and cilantro and THREE different kinds of hot peppers? And how I totally meant to remind you, Body, not to touch your face and ESPECIALLY not to touch your eyes after chopping and seeding said peppers? I meant to. I promise. I had a Post It and everything.

But I forgot...mostly. I got distracted and not only did I let you scratch your forehead and poke at your eye to get an eyelash out (as if that wasn't bad enough) but somehow, at some point, I let you touch the mouth of your water bottle so- surprise!- when you took a drink in the middle of the night, you got BurnyBurnyFireMouth. Tee hee hee.

So now, Body, you have to sit at work (more than 12 hours later! try not to be so sensitive!) with comical red stripeys on your forehead, an eye that screams "conjunctivitis!", and bee-stung lips (but only on one side-nice).

So that was my bad. I totally dropped the ball. I'm really, really sorry.

And I'm also sorry that today, when you were reheating the delicious leftover stuffed chicken you brought from home for lunch, I neglected to remind you of the toothpicks you stuck in there to hold the chicken breast together whilst cooking. Here's the thing. Maybe it's not all my fault! Maybe, just maybe, if you didn't insist on multi-tasking EVERY GODDAMMNED MINUTE, BODY, you'd be more able to pay attention to things like cutting a bite of chicken that had some toothpick in it. Maybe you could have remembered to take those out at some point pre- lunch. Maybe then you wouldn't be Ms. Big Lips McBleedyMouth. Hm, Body? YOU ARE SUCH A BURDEN.

Look, I'm sorry. Really. I am. I don't know what came over me. I'll be more attentive, I swear. I've been very selfish lately, but I've done some meditating and that part of my life is OVER. I'm a new me. New and Improved, okay?

I love you.

Your friend,
Brain

PS- Ohmygod, let's send an anonymous e-mail to Face. Because who does she think she's fooling with that bronzer? Has Homegirl SEEN her complexion? She looks like she got rolled in a mud puddle on the way to work. Oh, Body. It's good to have you back.

Labels: accidents

posted by A Lover and a Fighter at 11:27 AM -

9 Comments:

At 12:20 PM, TK said…

I had a friend who once, while making chili and handling murderously hot peppers, forgot and...um... scratched himself. Down there.

You wanna talk comedy gold? Oh, man. Howlingly funny.

That Chip and Dale story is AWESOME.
At 5:17 PM, Garrett Reid said…

Your brain should really just text or e-mail your body. Letters are kind of outdated. Live in the now!
At 6:26 PM, Rev said…

I talk to my body sometimes, but it always goes the same.

Body: Oooh! That one! That one!

Brain: We've been over this... I'm really bad at that.

Body: That one!

Brain: It would help if you went to the gym once in a while.
At 10:03 AM, jamelah said…

That's really funny because back when my brain wrote a letter to my body, it was all, "Hey, could you maybe not fall down so much? People think you're an idiot," and my body replied "Well, maybe if you would give some direction instead of being up there thinking about pointless crap all the damn time, I wouldn't have such a big problem" and then they called each other bitches and refused to deal with each other for a week. That was fun.

That Chippendales story made me choke on my beverage.
At 10:27 AM, Colleen said…

One time I was making delicious fresh salsa using jalapenos from the market in my college town's Little Mexico area. I learned never to buy peppers there again when I realized I had chemical burns all over my hands and had to soak them in water for like two days. Those peppers aren't for crackers like me.
At 1:11 PM, Manny said…

By the testicles of Zeus, that was funny.
At 11:14 AM, Brigita said…

It's even more fun when you're sporting contact lenses. Promise.
At 9:48 PM, Coco said…

Brings to mind this past Christmas when I did an impromptu investigation of the spiced cider, giving the allspice a thorough investigation before touching my eye. I was baffled and appalled when my eye swelled to the point where I was convinced it was going to explode at any moment, requiring me to wear a sauce pirate's patch. Capscacin (sp?) is apparently in allspice AND in the handy mace you use to ward off the baddies. Who knew??
At 3:05 PM, mindy said…

Because I can't read very well sometimes, I thought you signed this "Your friend, Brian", and I thought "that's really weird that she named her brain Brian", and then I realized that I am an idiot and you signed it "Your friend, BrAIn".

The end.