| Wherein My Friend is Deflowered and I Inadvertently Contribute to Racial Tensions |
Hi guys. Want to hear a story? It's really kind of TWO stories. But they're related.
So I have a very good friend who I will call Bonnie "Tits" McGee. Gosh, she's swell. She's the friend that you call when you're in the mood to cause mischief, to engage in debauchery, or to stir up trouble. She's just a barrel of fun with some sassy wit attached. I adore her.
Bonnie never got around to losing her virginity until she was probably 25 or so. It wasn't through lack of opportunity- she's stunning and clever and everyone loves her. It's mostly because she was either immediately bored with anyone who tried to woo her, or she disliked them so strongly that she made herself extremely unavailable. Plus she can be lazy. I don't think she wanted to invest the time.
In any case, we graduated from college and all started our New and Fancy Grown Up Lives, and only then did Bonnie decide that she'd had enough of this virginity business. So she starts on the prowl.
I was living in New York already, so I only got the updates via phone (because everyone else still lived in Chicago), but a lot of the time they went like this:
"Tits tried to give it away at a concert last night. But we dragged her out because security was coming."
"Tits almost lost her v-card at her parent's anniversary party. She went down to the basement for more wine and got...distracted."
"Tits almost did it last night- then she realized that the guy she was with was her cousin's best friend's college roommate's friend from Sunday School and it just felt too incestuous."
So poor Bonnie. All revved up and nowhere to go. She toiled along for a while, thrusting her vagina at various passers-by, but to no avail. The timing just wasn't right. Bonnie was getting desperate.
Then, one day, a miracle happened. Bonnie met a man who was not related to her, but who wasn't a complete stranger (some childhood Catholic school friend of a friend or whatever), who was very attractive, and who did not endlessly annoy her. Plus, he gave her cigarettes.
I never learned his name because she just called him "my masturbatory tool" and the rest of us eventually forgot that he wasn't christened "Bonnie's walking vibrator" by his parents. He began courting her and things progressed rapidly until one night when Bonnie gave us all the heads up- she was going to offer her masturbatory tool her v-card. We were just SO excited.
Fast forward to later that night/early the next morning when our friend group received a mass text message/photo sent to our phones. I flipped open my cell and saw only this (you might have to do some work and double click that shit):
Of course, I was instantly panicked. My poor friend! What had this brute done to her??? Obviously he had gotten violent and she had phototexted me for help! And I had been SLEEPING! I am a jerk!
I called her immediately and asked if she was okay. She was grumpy with me for having woken her up, but she assured me she was fine, and she'd call me later.
When she finally roused herself and shook off her hangover, she gave me a ring and explained that as they'd been doing the deed, Bonnie had attempted to turn her stereo up (what a considerate roommate she is!) with her foot but without getting out of bed (see? Lazy!). Instead, she took quite a tumble and banged her face on her dresser while she was falling naked from her lovenest.
Ever the trooper, she told her vibrator to get her something cold from the freezer, and to be quick about it, because she wasn't ready to call it a night. The only thing he had was a packet of frozen edamame, which he presented to her sheepishly. Clutching the edamame to her swollen eye, Bonnie got right back on the horse. Or, I guess, maybe he climbed right back up on to her? Not sure. She finished her Passage To Womanhood with the frozen soybeans clutched to her face, and then they both fell asleep. Sometime in the night she got up to use the restroom, noticed her brand new shiner, and sent us all a photo. You know, for accurate record-keeping.
And that is how Bonnie lost her virginity. She broke up with the young man shortly thereafter.
Now, fast forward a couple of weeks to a road trip with Lolo and La Chanteuse. We're in the car on the way to New Hampshire (magical land where this occurred years ago) and everyone is exchanging stories and tales. I decided to splash Bonnie's semi-private experiences about for the amusement of others, and I started the story by saying "Have I ever told you guys about how when Bonnie lost her virginity, she fell out of bed and got a black eye?" I was already giggling before the sentence had completely left my mouth. Sex and falling! Two of my favorites!
But nobody else laughed. La Chanteuse, who was driving, said in a very steely, composed tone "I'm sorry. Can you repeat what you said please?"
I was kind of startled. I don't really know how to relate to people who don't delight in the misfortune and awkwardness of others. If Lolo and LC didn't laugh at this, I was not sure how the rest of our friendship would go.
I was nervous, so I was speaking rather quickly: "Well, I just said that when Tits McGee lost her virginity, she fell out of bed and got a black eye."
LC was still staring at me intently. After a moment, she said evenly "One more time, please."
This time I slowed down and looked her straight in the eye. "When my friend Bonnie lost her virginity, she fell out of bed and got a black eye."
LC started shaking. Tears welled up in her eyes. I haven't seen her laugh that hard in a really, really long time. I had no idea it was THAT funny, and I was just so befuddled, and relieved that my friends were not humorless. When she finally composed herself, she said "I thought you said she lost her virginity by falling out of bed onto a black guy."
Well, to be fair, I wish she had. Poor La Chanteuse had this vision of Bonnie leisurely stretching, going a-tumblin' over the side of her bed, and landing on the engorged member of some mysterious and sneaky gentleman who had been waiting below her bed for just this exact moment. It was probably one of the strangest stories she'd ever heard. No wonder she reacted the way she did.
Although, if you think about it, that would be quite the way to go ahead and lose your v-card.
Oops, I'm slipping off the bed! What a burden when my legs are all akimbo! And I'm without pants! Hey, who are you? What just happened here? I feel...so...mature...and maybe kind of pregnant a little...
I feel like that might have been preferable to the paths that some of us took when our boyfriend's parents were out of town and we had this BRILLIANT idea involving naked dinner parties and hot tubs but then we were bloated and, well, hot, and we're not sure how this is supposed to go and well THAT was certainly overrated.
And that's all I got.Labels: accidents, erections, friends, sex |
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| 16 Comments: |
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Let's not forget that Bonnie is a model and gets to constantly lie akwardly about how she got that facial scar she doesn't have in her head shots. "Sorry anonymous agent, it's just a sex wound."
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A most excellent tale! Much better than my story on the same subject. And I relate to your (thankfully assuaged) doubts- I harbor a subtle distrust of anyone who cannot find humor in the misfortunes of themselves or others.
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I laughed a good 20 minutes at this post. Thank you.
And getting a black eye is way cooler than my story. Losing it on a top bunk at Middlebury College before the dude's roommate came back. I think it was over in like um, a minute.
Now if I can only find a guy who can last that long again.
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Having a girl fall on to my waiting penis while laying quietly naked beside her bed would be WAY better than my first time. I was in the Virgin Islands. I met a girl. We ate lobster and drank pina coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. Wait. . . that night was actually pretty good.
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"She finished her Passage To Womanhood with the frozen soybeans clutched to her face,"
That may be one of the greatest things I have ever read. I'm crying a little.
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suzer- "thembitchezzz stole m'earringzzz"
UC- I know! Me too. She made us wait for it, but she really went above and beyond the call of duty. She's just so special to me.
dmb- middlebury college in ct? you are classy!
garrett- you lost your virginity in the virgin islands? did they kick you out after that transgression?
Jamelah- I wish I could take credit for creating the scenario. Tragically, I'm just the messenger. a humble scribe.
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Here at the porno office, I am constantly tripping and falling onto the erections of black guys, which (you've heard correctly about them) results in many pesky bruises.
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so much fucking brilliance. i can't stop laughing like a goon, and now everyone in my office kind of thinks i'm an asshole because i just can't stop giggling. particularly about the image of some man lying quietly next to a young woman's bed in hopes of accidentally gettin' some. but really, all of it. thank you - especially since i just spent half an hour composing a real downer of a post. you're the best!
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omigod omigod omigod. READ THIS:
http://tinyurl.com/yvahzb
I know, right? Freaky in it's similarity. Not about losing one's virginity, but...
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Colleen- you lucky dog.
Kelsi- when I pictured it, he wasn't even lying there maliciously. He was just as you said- hopeful. Poor little lamb.
TK- did you get the comment i left on that post? methinks you don't get my comments. or you refuse to post them. which is it? I comment on your blog all the time!
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Ack! My comments moderation got screwed up... I seem to have lost a lot of comments... bummer. I turned moderation off, so please come back and re-post!
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That. Is AWESOME!
However, I now have visions of your friend having some issues now whenever she goes out for Asian cuisine:
"Let's see, I'll have the beef negamaki, and some spicy tuna rolls, and let's see, I'll start off with some Edemoooooooohmygod, oh my god, that's it, right there, right there, oh yeah."
Great story. I'm sorry I haven't read much of your earlier work (I blame TK, it's all his fault).
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you have not blogged in 10 days. should i move on?
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unlike lozo, i'm not ready to move on, but i am concerned for your personal safety. and while that would be a high note to send us out on if you've decided to abandon your blog, i will have to have a melodramatic fit if you've decided to stop blogging.
but hopefully, you are ok and you've been drunk on a caribbean beach for several days and that's why you haven't graced us.
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i am just...oh i am just tickled pink that so many have gotten such pleasure from my pain...and pleasure..
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
About Me: "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."
-Oscar Wilde
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Let's not forget that Bonnie is a model and gets to constantly lie akwardly about how she got that facial scar she doesn't have in her head shots. "Sorry anonymous agent, it's just a sex wound."