| Accommodate me, I'm high maintenance now. |
So, I guess out of boredom, I've decided to become a vegan. Just for a month, though. I wanted to see if I could do it. I can, thus far. To be fair, I am eating mostly popcorn and martinis. Oh, and last night I made two different batches of vegan fudge. Yes, two delicious pans of super sweet gelatinous (gelatin free, though) weirdness. The flavor was good but the consistency never firmed completely. They both looked like pans of poop. My roommates were mildly horrified. I suggested we could use them as an ice cream topping, or eat it as pudding- really goopy, sugary, dairy-free, grainy pudding. Judging from the disgust on their faces, they misheard me and thought I had said we could use it as a fun alternative to our beds at nap time. Sillies.
I welcome vegan fudge tips. Ursine Calamity, I'm looking at you!
On an unrelated note, my lovely friend Laura visited me last week. She's so foreign. I met her when I studied in London in 2002 and we were fast friends. She has come over to see me a few times in the past five years, but she never gets any less foreign. I love it when she visits because she's so fun and sweet and smart and hilarious, but also she makes me cooler because I have a friend from another country.
None of my friends can ever understand a goddamned word she says, though. I usually can, so I'm the interpreter. But sometimes even I have no idea what is tumbling out of her mouth. So I'll just make it up.
Laura: Gobbledygobbledyblahblah pip pip cheerio govnah!
Lolo: What the hell did she just say?
Me: I think she said she took a shit in our shower.
Over the weekend that she was staying with us, we threw a birthday party for La Chanteuse. I don't mind tooting my own horn on this one- it was quite the rager. LC loved it and we loved throwing it and there was this ridiculously good punch that involved 4 bottles of champagne, a fifth of gin, a shit ton of sugar, and some lemon juice. And green food coloring. And a green and chocolate cake. I made the cake, but I couldn't eat any of it because it had nothing but animals in it. I didn't mind, though. Playing the martyr is one of my Special Skillz.
It was a Pizza Party, because LC loves her some pizza. So the guests got to adorn pizzas with toppings and then bake them for dinner. Laura LOVED this part. See?
 See? You can't tell, but she's saying "I'm going to take this one home and give it to the Queen!"
Also, we had tickets to that Shecky's Girls Night Out thing whilst Laur was in town. Do you know about this event? You pay admission to a big hall where there are free drinks as far as the eye can see, and fancy vendors and artisans are selling shit for 80% off (but 80% off of a zillion dollars for a purse is still too rich for my blood) and you get goodie bags and run around like crazy materialistic assholes for a few hours. I had a blast.
Not surprisingly, my favorite table was Dildos R Us. It wasn't really called that but I can't remember the actual name of the company, and that's pretty much the main idea. They had the most eclectic set of dildos and vibrators and clit clips and everything that I've ever seen. They had one called the iBuzz that you could hook up to your iPod and it would vibrate in cadence with the music. They had vibrators that cost more than a semester at my university. They had vibrators that blinked and buzzed and jumped and twitched and pulsed and whirred and sang. It was amazing.
The most interesting one, to me at least, was this vibrator that was painstakingly decorated to be a verisimilitude of phallus. It was so realistic you would have sworn Lorena Bobbit had just done a drive-by. This thing was, apparently, the Lexus of vibes. (Or Cadillac? Ferrari? What's a fancy car? I don't pay attention to these things.)
It had a little resevoir in the ball sack part that you could fill with liquid, and it would warm the liquid and then as it was buzzing or whatever, you could press a button and make it ejaculate liquid into you! What a satisfying sexual experience! And mostly STI-free!
The best part about this product was the lady who was selling it. She was very good at her job. Here is a picture of her with her squirty dildo:
Jealous?
Laura, come back!Labels: erections, friends, pictures, silly |
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| 13 Comments: |
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have i mentioned how i'd like to make out with laura? because i would.
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Wow. So, even if there's not a man in the bed, you can still sleep on the wet spot! I bet it sells like hotcakes.
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I am flattered by your confidence in my culinary skills; but I am afraid I am drawing a blank, and will have to hit the books in order to offer any tips. Not that I have anything against vegan cooking- I just have no experience in the matter. I am an unabashed carnivore. That said, the cigarette smoking chicken thing is one of the grossest things I have ever seen (and I have seen a lot!)
Also, I have a question: What, exactly, would one fill the chamber of the squirting dildo with? I can think of a few options, but none of them would satisfy someone dedicated to that level of realism...
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that is one sassy dildo sales...lady? rawr.
also - as a vegetarian, i have also dabbled in the veganism, and have made some vegan fudge that was top-notch. i remember margarine, soymilk and powdered sugar being involved.
and that punch sounds awesome. cheerio!
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lozo- yes, you've mentioned it. jeez o pete. she's involved. and I"m not sure i'd let you near her anyway. you'd have to prove yourself.
d- i KNOW! whose favorite part about sex is the jizz? not mine.
UC- buddy. don't let me down here! and is it a chicken? i'm bad with meat- i thought the cigarette was in a goat's butt.
kelsi- oh, i wish you had seen her in person. she was quite the saleslady indeed. she slipped her business card into my cleavage. well. where cleavage would be on a normal person. her card kind of fell through that cavernous divide and caught in the waist of my jeans.
this recipe had margarine, cocoa, a shit ton of sugar...and something else. i don't know. it was a big hot mess.
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I posted 10,000 comments and they won't show! Help!
Smartass.
Also, that chicken thing - thanks for the nightmares.
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maybe it is a goat- I just can't look! It's too horrible...
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Whatever the liquid you decide to use in your new(est) dildo, you had better make sure it is vegan-friendly (just in case you want to "change things up" from time to time).
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Does that dildo sales woman have a little bit of facial muff coming in around the jaw? My soul is screaming.
Also, I can't tell what those little white rectangles on the penis are. But instead of thinking, "probably price tags," I'm going to go with, "Omg, the salesman and her dildo are wearing matching name tags." So what was his name?
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Erections R Us? Sounds just like my job at Naked Man Magazine™. If you were trying to keep the vegan thing up indefinitely I'd say you are doomed if you are not super gung-ho about all the issues and such. But for a month, sure, you can totes do that. I was a hardcore vegan for 3 years. Now I'm still vegetarian but eat delicious delicious cheese.
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If the wet spot is caused only by the man, he's doing it wrong. What exactly is an STI, as in STI-free? Sexually Transmitted Insecurity?
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TK-
I am ALWAYS posting thousands of comments on your blog. But sometimes they don't show.
UC- I have no earthly idea. It's a brilliant disguise.
GR- I know! Should I fill it with mushroom broth?
LWL- Jennifer.
CK- Yeah. I thought a month would be a good trial period. It has been, actually. Not really bad at all, and only slightly less convenient (i mostly cook at home anyway).
Anon- Sexually Transmitted Infection. STD is no longer correct, because not all things sexually-transmittable are diseases.
SJW- I am not sure, and we discussed it at length at home. Perhaps they just don't swallow.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
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have i mentioned how i'd like to make out with laura? because i would.