| Her Last Chance...Until This Movie Is Over |
I couldn't sleep last night so I eventually just got up to putter around my house until I got drowsy again. Well, this didn't happen because I stumbled upon the movie Her Last Chance on the inimitable Lifetime Movie Network. It's my new favorite. It has everything I love in it:
-Sex
-Drugs
-People who used to be Corky's Mom on Life Goes On
-People who used to be Corky's sister on Life Goes On and then dated Chad Lowe and then he contracted HIV but they stayed together even though Corky's mom and Corky's dad were SO nervous about it
-Music Video montages
-Kites
-Struggles with addiction
-People who were in the Neverending Story II
-pageboy haircuts
- Danny Masterson
- People who used to be on Dharma And Greg and played Not Greg
Here is the plot summary so that you may understand the super duper heartwrenchingness of this film (of which I managed to catch at least 33 minutes). I can't take credit for this summary, though. It is from a loyal IMDBer named Luke. The summary is titled "Where is Kellie Martin's Emmy?!"
As she wrestles with sanity and desire in this deftly-paced, cathartic drama, Kellie Martin shows yet again that she can infuse even the darkest character with strength and serenity, dappled with her signature girlish charm. Getting a potent dose of discipline and understanding from her ex-junkie counselor (played with stern compassion by Jenna Elfman) Martin makes an odyssey from spiraling recklessness to confidence and control by discovering the sinewy character she never knew she had. Patti LuPone dazzles as her concerned but misguided mother-- she is never gullible but always faithful when it counts. Jonathan Brandis portrays with aplomb the petulant suburban rebel whose suave facade hides a well of desperation and loneliness. Scenes between Brandis and Martin are eerily scored with a hard rock cover of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love". Not to miss: drug binges masterfully intercut with an imaginary music video and Martin's final dope dreams punctured by a glimpse of herself in the coke mirror!
Deep, no?
This movie got me thinking about the services provided to society courtesy of the Lifetime Movie Network. First of all, in the interest of full disclosure I must say that I will watch any movie on the LMN. They're captivating. I have yet to make it through Braveheart, The Matrix, and the Star Wars movies without falling asleep, but I will watch 15 And Pregnant until the cows come home.
But the Lifetime Movie Network is, when you think about it, pretty fucking offensive. Though I believe its intent is to show women in their bras triumphing over adversity, somehow this message is never conveyed, at least to me. Usually, it shows women who mire themselves in ridiculously negative and self-destructive situations (DESPITE really ominous music during action sequences) and end up nearly perishing but thankfully, are usually rescued by a man or by The Sheer Will Stemming From The Love Of Their Child, Unborn Or Not.
Here are some titles of movies playing on the Lifetime Movie Network currently:
Lies He Told
Nowhere To Land
Swimming Upstream
Licking Your Own Clit
Shattered Dreams
Blood On Her Hands
A Kidnapping In The Family
You'd Better Honor My Double Coupons, Bitch
False Arrest
The Babysitter's Seduction
My Husband's VD
Okay. So some of those I made up. But I bet you can't guess which ones!
My point is this: what type of stereotypes are we perpetuating here? What sort of enfeebled state are we engendering in the next generation of women? Watching a movie on the LMN makes me feel like an overweight Midwestern housewife sneaking Oreos in her kitchen while her kids dangle precariously from the jungle gym in the backyard (not that I see anything unappealing about that existence- though I'd probably drink some too, if that were me). Good and Bad are very clearly defined so that we can figure out for whom we should root.
How about some women who never get themselves fucked over in the first place? We could have movies such as:
I Definitely Separate My Whites From My Darks
Why I Didn't Get A Third Espresso: A Chronicle of Avoiding Palpitations
I Have A Lot Of Career Aspirations And I'm Confident I'll Achieve Most Of Them
My Friends And I Have Pretty Decent Self-Esteem
I Learned A New Skill!
My Family And I Get Along Great
Hi! I'm In A Mature and Healthy Relationship!
Originally, I had thought I could base these movie titles on my own life, but then when I started writing them out I realized none of them applied to me. Not even the first one- a guy named Andrew does my laundry. I just put it in a bag.
But I think my point still rings true- we need more responsible television-making!
KELLIE! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME??
Labels: lifetime, rants, tv |
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| 19 Comments: |
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I'm not sure I get the point of this post. I mean, doesn't every woman battle an addiction to heroin/meth/speed/coke/pot (ok, who are we kidding here?)/[insert random drug here], get "touched innapriopriately" (I used quotes cause really, is there such a thing as "innapropriate" touching? Look! those damn quotes again! I can't help myself!), get murdered and shoved into a box, and then have her illegitimate child grow up to sleep with her now 60 year old best friend???
What??? No???? Is that just me?
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Hi. Even though I am in a "mature, healthy relationship," I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. Your blog makes me ridiculously happy. You're a sparkly little jewel.
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Right then. My whore of a stepmother watches that crap whilst eating Twizzlers and smoking her Salem Light 100s and blowing the smoke into the fireplace in an effort to protect the rest of the fam from her carcinogens. She's classy like that. That's what LMN always reminds me of, anyway.
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Life Goes On. . . Neverending Story II. . . That '70s Show. . .Dharma and Greg. . . Lifetime movies? You have got to improve your TV watching skills. I am kind of surprised you didn't mention Touched by an Angel, The Nanny, Party of Five or America's Funniest Home Videos. Don't you have friends there to help you know what not to watch? Although I would most definitely watch a movie entitled Licking Your Own Clit. I would even watch Licking Your Own Clit II: Electric Boogaloo!
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My sister refers to Lifetime as 'The Victim Channel'...
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AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS IS ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS ON TV.
there. I said it.
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Yeah. . . and Bob Saget is one of the best comedians around. How many times can Am. Fun. Hom. Vid. show a dad getting hit with a baseball bat in the Happy Fun Balls by his 4 year old?
And how many times a day do you check this blog? You just commented an hour ago, and already you are leaving a second comment? Kind of sad really. There I said it. People who leave two comments in one day are a little sad.
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Dmb- I wish someone would touch ME inappropriately...I've asked. No takers.
Douglas- And YOU, my love, just made ME ridiculously happy! Nice relationship, by the way.
D-Twizzlers would work too, I guess. Anything with High Fructose Corn Syrup or transfats, really.
GRRRRR- that electric bugaloo comment really hit home. did it go straight to video?
UC- I knew i loved your sister. I just knew it.
DMB+GR=Get a room, you two!
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there is nothing funnier than a dog who houls "And I Will Always Love You", and a bat to the balls? Always funny.
3 times a day. I'm going for a record. And what's up last comment 40 minutes ago.
No Meg. No room. I prefer wide open spaces where everyone can watch.
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howls. sweet fucking lord I can't spell today. Perhaps it's the generous about of whip-its I just did in the bathroom.
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Dammit, why didn't I think of watching Lifetime?
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Wow, I have fallen in love with your blog in just one posting. Now please give my daughter, played by the little 'fro-head girl from Growing Pains (who I believe was just in Fast Food Nation?), back, because I won't stop fighting until I have her.
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this must be what it's like for you when i write about sports.
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that's a nice little comment war you've got there. congratulations.
oh, and i think 'shattered dreams' must be the one you made up. right? right? am i right? no? oh. never mind...
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DMB- I MISSED that episode! A dog can really do that???
Jamelah- It took me a long time to learn of LMN's power.
Colleen- Wait. This is your daughter? I thought she was mine. I am hiding her here because after she moved out of the Tanner household she started dating Fred Savage and then he got all punchy and slappy because of the steroids...and he was on the wrestling team maybe...? Kids.
Lozo- I have to be honest. I can't even read those sports posts of yours. They're just SO long. So yes. Good comparison.
Kelsi- I can't remember any more. I just reread the post and I hope against hope that i did NOT invent Licking Your Own Clit.
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My favorite lifetime movies involve finding out that my mom didn't approve of my boyfriend for good reason. Turns out he's a pimp and now I'm a junky whore and he's gong to try to kill me and I then my mom sees me in my stiletto ankle boots with non-functioning side-buttons and off one shoulder top, and it's really sad because I don't know how to be loved anymore. And also bulimia.
I watched 5 minutes of a lifetime original called "Another Single White Female," or something similar, which was the exact same story line as the original but with different, worse, actors and all of the major drama was conducted in underwear. Why does this exist? Would you stay awake for Braveheart if it was conducted on a minimal budget by worse actors in their FTL? Would you be interested if "they" got their Hanes on Darth Vader?
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Oh, God. I'm an adult, mentally healthy, married male. One day I was home sick, and flipping channels. I stumbled upon "She's Too Young", which appealed to me because of the title and because I am a goddamn degenerate.
Watched the whole fucking thing. It was fascinating. I wanted to shower afterwards, partially because watching a movie about 15 year old girls giving bj's and getting syphilis made me feel creepy, and partially because I was covered in cheeto dust.
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TK-
I'm DV-Ring that RIGHT NOW.
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It's funny that I even stumbled across this blog, because in my google search---I typed: "Why doesn't Lifetime movie network feature black people?" And this blog along with some other randomness popped up. I agree with your sarcasm towards the remedial LMN movie titles. I often joke with my mom and BFF's about how, no real creativity goes into the making of those titles. And asides from the True Stories, a lot of the movies are the same repetitive story lines. Another thing, I often wonder---why do the movies seem to take place in the early 90's? Asides from the more recent ones about teenagers being addicted to drugs, sex and gambling---the infidelity stories seem outdated. But to sum all this up---I guess DRAMA sells, just like sex. Sure, it would be nice to watch a wholesome family gather for dinner with the only act of suspense being, waiting for the apple pie to brown in the oven and be served. But LMN ratings would plummet. So---in the end, all we can do is appreciate the 'what NOT to do' factor that LMN provides and enjoy our own dull lives.
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Name: A Lover and a Fighter
Home: New York, NY
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I'm not sure I get the point of this post. I mean, doesn't every woman battle an addiction to heroin/meth/speed/coke/pot (ok, who are we kidding here?)/[insert random drug here], get "touched innapriopriately" (I used quotes cause really, is there such a thing as "innapropriate" touching? Look! those damn quotes again! I can't help myself!), get murdered and shoved into a box, and then have her illegitimate child grow up to sleep with her now 60 year old best friend???
What??? No???? Is that just me?