Hobocamp

Monday, September 11, 2006

Smile. You're on Sick and Twisted Camera.

Let me give you another example of why I'm convinced my life is televised for all to see, Truman Show-style. I was on the N train, headed towards Queens, when I smelled something crazy. The best way to describe it would be to say that it smelled like hot canned cat food. I am not one to ignore smells, so I started looking around to see what kitty was on the train with its to go container of piping hot Whiskas.

I craned my neck and twisted behind me, and realized that the man sitting one seat back was eating some sort of upsetting chickeny dish. I turned back around and tried to tell myself that it didn't smell like hot cat food, it just smelled like institutiony fried chicken or something. That didn't work. I was still grossed out. I considered moving seats, but there weren't that many available. I chose to stay put.

But the guy with the Friskies fetish had seen me checking out his food. I could feel him looking at me, and I hoped against hope that he wouldn't strike up a conversation. However, I shouldn't have been so foolish. They ALWAYS strike up a conversation.

I'm trying to lose myself in my book when I feel hot cat food breath on my neck. I hear my new friend say to me "I got potatoes. Want I should rub them on your neck a little bit?" I took a second to reply because I had to seriously consider the possibility that he was retarded. Because my lord. Who says such a thing? And I certainly wasn't going to yell at someone who was retarded, because maybe he was just making a legitimate offer to share his meal. Then I heard, "Want me to rub chicken in your hair?" and I decided that UpSyndrome or no, I was not having this.

I stood up and said firmly (if not rather squeakily)"No, THANK YOU." I switched cars even though we are not supposed to do that anymore.

So thank you, producers. Thank you, editors. Your artistic integrity and solid commitment to making my life weird are inspiring. I can't even imagine what next week's episode will bring.

posted by A Lover and a Fighter at 8:54 AM -

2 Comments:

At 11:31 AM, Maxine Dangerous said…

New alias: Spudneck Chickenhair. Okay, maybe not. ;)
At 1:12 PM, minnipearl said…

Girl, you are too funny