Hobocamp

Monday, September 18, 2006

This is a story all about how
my life got flipped turned upside down,
I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,
I'll tell you about the time my roommate's girlfriend got cum in her hair.

Once upon a time, I had a living situation that was not so harmonious as the one I am blessed with currently. I shared an apartment with a rather strange and bombastic gentleman who had somehow managed to trick a very sweet young lady into being his bedfellow. Most of the time, we were able to co-exist peacefully, by which I mean I tried not to be outside of my room when he was home because he didn't blink nearly often enough and it was freaky and I was convinced he touched people inappropriately. But every now and again, our paths would cross and it was inevitably uncomfortable.

What follows is an account of undoubtedly the MOST awkward encounter we ever had. He moved out shortly after this happened.

I had to get up fairly early one day and I was trying desperately to be quiet during my morning ablutions (because I'm SUPER considerate) so I was tiptoeing around as carefully as possible. All of a sudden, I hear some unmistakable sex noises coming from P---'s room (we shared a wall). It was just a lot of sighing, creaking, and a little moaning. At first I thought someone was sick, but I quickly realized my mistake.

Morning nookie. Whatever. I can't really point fingers there. Good for them, I tried to say to myself. But I didn't believe me.

Here's the thing: So, you live with roommates, and you sometimes hear people having sex. That's fine. Just turn up your music and mind your own damn business. Not a big deal. However, it was four thirty in the morning and I couldn't play music, so I was kind of trying to bang around a bit and make noise, turn the bathroom fan on, whatever would distract me from the sounds and hopefully encourage the amorous duo to realize there was another person not very far away. I even threw stuff on the floor and said merrily "Uh oh! Dropped it!", and similar shenanigans. No good. They couldn't be silenced. I resigned myself to getting ready as fast as I could so that I could bolt. But I didn't make it. Because, no lie, this is what I hear:

Her: Fuck me with your foot.

Excuse me? Did I hear that correctly? I couldn't have. That makes no sense. P--- must have agreed, because he said:

Him: My foot?
Her: Yeah. Fuck me with your foot.
Him: Okay.

OKAY?? Holy buckets. I don't even know what this means. How does that work?

Next I heard lots of bed creaking and maneuvering. I imagine it takes a minute or two to get oneself situated for that kind of thing.

Then I heard lots of sex noises.

Then lots of appreciative noises.

And then:

Her: Dip your hand in it.

DIP YOUR HAND IN IT??? WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY HAVE GOING ON IN THERE?

In response to that, I hear:

Him: Okay, hold on.

Silence.

I assume "dipping" is going on, whatever that entails.

And just for the record, this conversation has stopped me in my tracks. I can hear everything (thin walls) and I'm blatantly, unabashedly eavesdropping. And good thing I was, because otherwise I may have missed:

Her: Now put it in my mouth. PUT YOUR HAND IN MY MOUTH.

Help! Oh help!

So at this point, theoretically, she has both his foot and his hand taking up space in some of her major orifices. One was a foot. I'd had enough. I decided to run for it.

I was trying so hard to dress quickly that it shocked me later that I'd donned matching shoes, or that I'd put my pants on correctly- or at all, to be honest. I was almost in the clear, having grabbed my bag and my coat and I was standing at the front door, zipping up, when his door opens.

I froze.

He walked out, all smiles, came over to me, put his hands of nefarious activity DIRECTLY ON TO MY SHOULDERS and says "Good morning, roomie!"

VOM. IT.

I booked it to the subway. I simply couldn't believe what had happened. I called all of my best friends on the way to the train, and e-mailed everyone else the moment I got to work. I wanted to take it to the press. I even wished that I'd had a one-night stand the night before so that I wouldn't be the only one who had witnessed this.

...

Shortly after this happened, P--- moved out. He took his lady friend with him.

I haven't seen either of them since.

Fin

posted by A Lover and a Fighter at 1:47 PM -

4 Comments:

At 11:34 AM, Maxine Dangerous said…

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Reason #3012 why I'm glad I live alone. (Cats don't count. :))
At 6:54 PM, Jaelithe said…

OH MY.

That totally beats my crazy roommate stories. All of them.
At 10:03 PM, gangstaknitta said…

I had a roomie once who had loud, dirty hippie sex all the time all over the house...frequently with the dog in the same room.
There were some, um, people who peed on his bed before he moved out.
At 4:33 PM, Alaskan Dave Down Under said…

Any chance they heard you and decided to pull a joke on ya?