So once upon a time, I was in bed with a male companion. He was someone I'd been seeing for a while (keep in mind that "a while" for me is not the same as "a while" for others) so I suppose we were fairly comfortable with one another. This particular night, we'd chatted for a bit and then both started to fall asleep.
His house was kind of dusty, and I got the ole itchy eye. I started rubbing it and that made it itch more. So I rubbed it even harder. You know how when your eye itches and you rub it, it's just one of the most satisfying things ever? And sometimes it's hard to stop, even if you think about how you could just rub your eye too hard and be known as "Old Sink Eye" for the rest of your days? I was experiencing that euphoria.
My companion had been kind of dozing, but he turned to me suddenly. "What are you doing?" he asked accusatorily.
I said "Oh, sorry. Did I wake you up?"
He said "I should hope so. Really. What are you doing?"
I was getting annoyed with his weird attitude, so replied "I'm rubbing my eye. It itches. Is that okay with you?"
He was quiet for a moment. Then he said "Your eye?"
"Yes."
Awkward silence.
I said "It really itched a lot."
Silence.
"Um. Did you get a cat or something?"
He said "No. You really were only rubbing your eye?"
"What does that even mean?" I responded.
"Nothing. Never mind. I'm sorry. Good night!"
"Wait just a damn minute. Why did you freak out about that?"
"Well. I could hear...nothing. I don't know. Sorry."
"No, tell me. You could hear me rubbing my eye? That's kind of gross. I apologize. I guess nobody wants to hear that juicy eye noise. But I don't understand why you overrea...OH. OH! I know what you thought!"
"No you don't. Go back to sleep."
"Yes. I. DO! You thought I was masturbating, didn't you??"
"I don't know."
"You DID. You thought I waited until you fell asleep to pleasure myself. And then you got worked up over it. Awww, poor guy. I would never do that."
"I TOTALLY didn't think that."
"Liar."
"Well, whatever."
"I promise I was only touching my eye. Which is not an erogenous zone for me. Going forward, if I decide to get myself off in your bed while you are asleep next to me, I promise I will wake you up. Okay? Pinkie swear." (Ha.)
And we lived by that agreement for the rest of our union, which really only lasted a few more weeks because that's how I roll.
The EndLabels: potty humor, sex, silly |
I, on the other hand, would totally do that =)