Hobocamp

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Sorry, I didn't quite get that. Perhaps I'll stand on a stool.

I have some bad news. Turns out, taller people are smarter than shorter people. I know! Shocking!

The article (co-authored by two freakishly tall 5'8" lady researchers- get back to the WNBA, girls!) claims that taller people have better self esteem, no doubt as a result of their always being able to find pants ON THE FIRST TRY and not having to take them to Mr Ferrari up over on Ditmars to get super-hemmed. They are also found to have better health, which isn't surprising because I feel that the stress from never being able to reach stuff with your stumpy T-Rex arms can be detrimental to the integrity of one's constitution. Additionally, and probably of greater importance, taller people are more likely to have higher-paying occupations (the midget porn just doesn't pay as well, not sure why) that require better communicative skills, leading to this vicious cycle of overpaid, overly flowery, tall pretty people possessing nothing more than big clothes and a lack of brevity. Though this could just be my take.

In case you can't tell, I am not one of the tall smartypantses. Or should that be smartypantsERS? Not sure. Wish I was tall so that I could figure it out. I stand a very imposing almost 5'2". Yeah, that's right. I'm a monster. When I'm in surgery at work, they have to pull up a special stool so that I can see the whole table. However, I do want it noted that I am the tallest woman in my family. Among my redheaded, potato farming clan, I'm known as Legs. And Stretch. And You Tall Drink Of Water. (Okay, fine. I'm not known as that. I mean, I fucking tried to get them to address me as such but they were SO resistant. I think they didn't quite understand- they're even shorter than I. Plus they're foreign, so...you know...)

I was talking to ole 6'3" Lozo about this article and we had the following conversation:

Me: It's just silly. Who needs to be that tall?
Lozo: I guess you and your meager intelligence can't grasp it.
Me: Guess so. Nobody ever bolstered my self-esteem like they did yours. Nobody ever paid me enough.
Lozo: Why would they? You're not over six feet.
Me: For a VERY long time, I wasn't over five feet.
Lozo: You should go stare at some twinkly lights.
Me: You should go blow a giraffe.
Lozo: Giraffes are tall. It would probably be educational.
Me: How big do you think their penises are?
Lozo: That all depends on genetics.
Me: Wow, you're wise. Being tall really is the way to go.
Lozo: Yeah, it's a great lifestyle.

Then Lozo started crying and confessed to being a giant (literally) homosexual, and wept about how Bill had rejected him. Again. He's really a taxing friend to have, that big queeny Lozo. But I digress.

I got to thinking about how some people have a "type." (Like, how my type is Joaquin Phoenix. And how Lozo's type is male. Just to reiterate. He loves men.) In any case, I decided to get that leg lengthening surgery to see if I became instantly more popular with the menfolk. So, here's a before photo of me with my pet bird, Stinker.

Not bad. Cute as a button, for sure, but do I look that smart? I just don't know.

So here I am, post-op. I included a couple of different angles, just FYI.

Wow. Quite a difference. Not only am I prettier, but I look downright BRILLIANT. I love me more than ever now!

Love,
The New And Improved Taller A Lover And A Fighter

PS- Sorry for not actually posting the photos. Blogger is being a dick today.

PPS-Blogger doesn't recognize its own name in spellcheck. Idiot.

posted by A Lover and a Fighter at 12:36 PM -

4 Comments:

At 6:07 PM, Lozo said…

i'd post a pithy response, but i don't want to sink to your level. ha! see what i did there?
At 7:24 PM, Dawg said…

A breadtangle of pizza!!!!

Sorry, that didn't make much sense---must be cuz I'm so short
At 1:23 AM, mike said…

I just wanted to say that you telling Lozo to go blow a giraffe is the funniest thing you have ever said (or typed). You should quit saying things (or typing them). You won't top that, shortypants.
At 7:27 AM, A Lover and a Fighter said…

Lozo- I can't see what you've done there. Because I'm short.

Dawg- Grood.

Mike- Thanks. In turn, I'd like to compliment your play-by-play of Cash Cab and the paleontological anecdote therein. I definitely giggled like a goon at Trioptasaurus.